Belch

I know what you're thinking. Why is the title named after a burping? Well you see I can't burp, belch or produce gas our of my throat at all. I'd make my grandma proud for sure, but you know sometimes I would just love to let out a nice burp and feel some sort of relief. Like a good "ahhhh" and go on like nothing happened. 


Let me explain....


It's been almost a month since I've "taken a break" from sir no name... I think  I should have a nickname for him to make it easier. Kinda like BIG on Sex and the City but less weird because I have no clue, nor do I want to know what that nickname stands for. So from here on we shall dub him.........blue. After my favorite color and obviously favorite topic of writing. 


Anyhoo. 


So almost a month since I've given up on "Blue" and I will say it's been pretty chill. I mean I am always reminding myself that I have to push through the hard days and distract myself from thoughts of him. Sometimes it works but a lot of the time it doesn't and that's just my life. But then I thought about something that was very comforting in a way. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this, because I'm more than sure there are others, confused and frustrated like me, because a certain someone just doesn't get it yet. A constant battle to maintain our sanity. War's aren't fun. Especially when you're in the middle of it. 


I'm in love with John Mayer. 


I literally get goosebumps every time I hear him sing. His voice has this sense of soul and passion that is indescribable, and makes me want to be a better musician with each note I hear. I.LOVE.HIM. And as I'm on my vacation from life, at the beach sitting under the sun getting rid of my famers tan, I turned on the tunes and let his voice rain in my brain. I may be that fan who loves all of his songs equally, but the number one on my list (at the moment because it changes every week) is "War of my Life." 


"I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there's nowhere to run"

Good news is I'm not out of time:) Bad news is THIS SUCKS.

To all my other "fighters" doesn't it just make you angry knowing you know? Like why you? Why me? Can't it just be like the typical romantic comedy where two friends reunite and realize they can't live without each other? Of course not. Because it's more complicated and a test of faith to see if you're really in it to win it. So far I'm in the inzone and he's all the way across town on another field out of bounds. Typical. And the blood pressure rises. 

"I've got a hammer,

And a heart of glass
I gotta know right now
which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet,
then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name"

My best friend who lives far far away sleeps with a hammer for specific reasons. That would have been nice to know when I came for a visit and rolled over on it one night. But I can tell you what I would like to do with that hammer. I would love to smash some walls. I swear I'm not crazy because I don't have a pocket full of pills, thank God, but it is painful. Sad too. I'm pathetic. Agh. 

But it's weirdly enjoyable at that same time. 

I must be crazy. Where are the pills?

No no no no no no I'm not, you just have to remember to find the good in everything. Even at dramatic times like this. "No more suffering, no more pain, never again" Us fighters wish it were that easy. But you just think about silly things, or drink a glass of water because by the time you get the glass to drink out of, you're already preoccupied. So score one for us. 

I'm still fighting. Still waiting. Still an emotional wreck on the inside, and still on a break. Sure I may take this time to vent, but it's helpful. Like a nice burp. 

I burped three times in one hour today. No it wasn't my first burp in my life, but it was the most it had ever happened. I was more than excited. My father asked me to stop. Usually I'm asking him to control his gas. Overall I finally got to feel that relieved feeling. Not just the burping, but I can breathe now, because my mind is almost at peace. This break may go on longer than this summer, because I'm enjoying life a little but more each day. In fact I took three naps today. I haven't slept better in my life because I was too busy thinking of the past. Take it from someone who hardly ever catches a break, breaks are good. Get your mind off of it. Eat some Coco Pebbles and let out a nice burp. YOU WILL LOVE IT. 

I'm ready for the fight everyday. Bring it on Blue because I'm ready for whatever you want to hit me with. And my other fighters, fight on. Everyone. Because John Mayer is awesome. 

"Come out angels,

Come out ghosts,
Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I'm not running,
and I'm not scared,
I am waiting, 
And well prepared."

Well prepared. Ahhhhhhhhh. Relief.