"Well maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
These next few lines cause they're directed at you."- Jack Johnson
This is all your fault. Rock bottom is only a few miles away. I was cleaning today, listening to music. I had to turn the music off and set my iPod down and walk away, because I was furious. I don't enjoy music anymore. Playing guitar used to be the only thing that cheered me up, because it was something I knew I could do, and do well. I play once a week now, and it's all your fault. This is all your fault. All of those days I would wake up in a bad mood because I had a dream about you, a dream about what life was like when I knew you. Now I wake up and only get out of bed because I don't want to starve. I don't know where you get off making my life so miserable. Who gave you the right to ruin absolutely everything about me? You've taken everything. My smiles, my happy memories, my courage, my patients, my happiness, and now my music. All you had to do was say goodbye, and this mess wouldn't be here. But instead you decided to linger in the back of my head with ideas that I missed out on something great. What's so great about you? So far I haven't seen anything so "great." In fact I haven't seen anything. Are you enjoying this? Well I'm done. It's over. I can't do this anymore. I'm done feeling sorry, I'm done feeling depressed. I'm done. It's all your fault. I tried. I tried everything. I was your friend. I gave you advice. You called me perfect. Don't ever say that to me again. You don't deserve it. I do. It's my turn to be happy. It's my turn to feel everything you've felt. It's your turn to feel what I've felt. Alone. Tired. Confused. Unwanted. Angry. It really does ruin everything. Everything. You're no different from everyone else. You don't want to change. You're not making any effort. You're only making things worse. So go ahead, have your fun. Make the wrong decisions. Again. Go far away and enjoy your life. I don't care. I don't care about you anymore, and it's all your fault.
This should be framed in my room for me to recite everyday.
But in all honesty, it's all a lie. Bet you saw that one coming.
I feel bad. I've been thinking a lot lately about my faith. This isn't the way things are supposed to be. I mean this is how things between Blue and I are supposed to be, but not between me and God. He's supposed to be the center of everything. He's supposed to be my everything, my obsessions, my concerns about making and impression on. Not Blue.
I heard a song the other day. I'm getting really tired of wanting to cry when I'm listening to music. This sounds so pathetic...it was a Christmas song by Justin Bieber. At first I thought of Blue, but when I listened to it again I thought of my relationship with God. I've been so busy thinking about "where is Blue?!" and " why is this taking so long!?" when I should have been trying to be a better Christian. Christmas is usually a competition with me, who gets more gifts, what big thing should I ask for this year, but I didn't ask for anything this year. In fact it was really hard for me to think of a gift when my mom asked. I hope that's a sign of maturity. I've been saying how I wish I knew what it was like to have someone who cared, someone who would never leave me, someone I never questioned if they loved me or not. I have all of that. My God loves me. He's always been here for me. I feel terrible because this should have been a bigger awakening for me, and not something I realized coming home from Walmart, but thank the Lord it happened in general. Lord God I am so sorry I am the way I am. I'm so sorry I've taken your gift of music for granted, ignoring the talents you've given me to worship you. It's all my fault. This Christmas will be different. Instead of being jealous that my siblings got more, I'l be excited we're together. Instead of being annoyed by all the toys left everywhere by my nieces, I'll be happy they got the best Christmas ever. I am not alone. I'm surrounded by God's love. Let's face it God's my boyfriend. Be jealous. But seriously, it's time to change. I have to set an example, and not make my father roll his eyes because I was drawing during church again. I could never say such harsh words like those to Blue, or anyone. I could never lie like that. That's not God's plan. And even though I'm still trying to figure out what God's plan is with me and Blue, it's what's making my relationship stronger with God, and it's only the beginning.This is going to be a merry merry merry Christmas. Bet you never thought this girl could get so spiritual? I want to feel safe again. I want to feel happy again. I miss music. I miss that feeling of wanting to learn songs, and pretending I'll be famous one day because I'm awesome. Oh my imagination. It's just another one of those things God gave me.:)
"And I'm sorry if I pushed you away.
Cause I need you here and I want you to know.
And I don't care, if I don't get anything all I need is you here right now.
And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I know that all I want it you this Christmas."
I'm tearing up as we speak.
Bieber why do you always do this?
Every fighter needs a protector. I thank God for that. Merry Christmas:)
http://youtu.be/Vk0r_mq4O6Q
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Standing on chairs, and forgetting how to speak. The things I do for hope.
Before you start reading, click the link below and fast forward to 1:14 and listen. You can stop it whenever, just make sure you listen to the verse.
http://youtu.be/q8BPBzXkK88
Welcome back!
Okay so you're either thinking:
1. This is so sad.
2. Oh Lord.
3. W.t.fudge.
4. I don't want to read anymore because this girl does nothing but whine and complain about some guy. GET A LIFE.
Just so you know. That song has nothing to do with what I want to talk about. You're so welcome:)
Actually I heard that song and was even like, "Oh God please tell me I don't sound like this." So let me just apologize now if I have ever, or ever will sound like a depressed cat lady. I'M SO SORRY.
It's final time. I suck at taking tests. If school did not involve tests I could have graduated college five years ago I'm sure. But we live in a time where mean old people make it almost impossible to pass a algebra test because they give you questions like this.....
http://youtu.be/q8BPBzXkK88
Welcome back!
Okay so you're either thinking:
1. This is so sad.
2. Oh Lord.
3. W.t.fudge.
4. I don't want to read anymore because this girl does nothing but whine and complain about some guy. GET A LIFE.
Just so you know. That song has nothing to do with what I want to talk about. You're so welcome:)
Actually I heard that song and was even like, "Oh God please tell me I don't sound like this." So let me just apologize now if I have ever, or ever will sound like a depressed cat lady. I'M SO SORRY.
It's final time. I suck at taking tests. If school did not involve tests I could have graduated college five years ago I'm sure. But we live in a time where mean old people make it almost impossible to pass a algebra test because they give you questions like this.....
((7x-2)^(1/3))^3 + ((7x+5)^(1/3))^3 = (3)^3
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS
I'm sure everyone knows how to solve something like that, but I would rather gently massage my eyes with a cactus.
But even though I'm spending most of my week studying, I am in high spirits. No, I'm not pretending to be happy or faking the smile, because I have no reason to. Sadly, Blue is still invisible. Correction, I'm still invisible to Blue, and that means I have to continue waiting on the day when God wants us to pick back up on our Facebook conversation, talking about ties. Don't ask. But everyone waits for something, like for finals to be over, or the last day of school before Christmas break, or meeting their favorite band.....I met Hanson. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. I.MET.HANSON. HOLY COW.
See? God gives you blessings when you wait.
When I was 13, my guitar teacher took me home from church one day and we listened to Hanson on the way. I forgot all about MMMBop. I loved it. Again. I was only 4 when MMMBop was popular, but that means nothing to me. Yes, I'm a very dedicated, obsessed, in love with every song, fan. But for one reason.
Hanson stands for one thing. Hope. They want everyone to know that there is hope for anything. If you're sick, poor, lost, ect. They get it. Because they started broke, little, not taken seriously, but they knew what they were capable of. Cheesy? Yes. But I love my cheesy motivation, and Hanson has not only been a huge part of me wanting to be a musician, but they give me hope sometimes too.
Since I was 13, I've wanted to be breathing the same air as these three fellows. Well I got my chance. I went to a pet festival (Pet-a-palooza) and they were the headlining musicians. I stood up against a fence for nine songs. (I knew all the words.) Then they let everyone in the V.I.P. $45 a ticket, area, and I couldn't feel my feet. But they were running nonetheless, but all the other scary, large, you should not be wearing shorts EVER, fans gravitated to the standing section in front of the stage behind all the chairs. I, being a genius, did not go near that area. I stood on the second chair in the first row, about four feet taller than everyone else, with a perfect view of the stage. Complete eye contact with each Hanson brother, and a smile from Zac Hanson, (the drummer) and then I really couldn't feel my feet. Afterwards, I waited for 30 minutes in the freezing wind for autographs, and forgot how to say "Can I have a picture." It came out like "Ca...uhh cuh...an....me....take...uhh...puhh...leasee..pic...ture?" Well I got them gosh darn it and they are beautiful.
I am so sorry if you don't care about any of this, but here's my point. That song I had you listen to before reading all this nonsense, is not the song I want to sing, ever. Instead I'd rather sing Hanson, because they sing about what again? Hope.
"Cause I know that you've been thinkin 'bout it
And I know they think you're out of your mind
All of this time
I know what you've been waiting for
You can't deny
I know that you've been waiting for this"
Now some people don't believe waiting for Blue is worth it, but I think a lot more people told me that waiting to meet Hanson wasn't worth it. They were, *cough* WRONG. I would have told you that the first day I listened to them. (Which sadly I remember.) Waiting for Blue, as painful, and boring as it is, is worth more to me than meeting famous people any day.
So hold me to this; no more sulking.
"See I'm just too scared
To tell you the truth
Cause my heart, it can't take anymore
Broken and bruised, longing for you
And I don't know what I'm waiting for
Left on the sidelines
Stuck at a red light
Waiting for my time
So just tell me
Why don't you love me?"
There's nothing wrong with talking about how you feel, but there is a HUGE problem when you make it the only thing you think about. We're doing better. Thanks Hanson for the hope message, but I give my thanks to God because he proved to me that being patient is really worth it.
"Shout it out, so everybody can hear." -Hanson
Waiting for this by Hanson:
http://youtu.be/kOxvGWwfIgs
"Cause I know that you've been thinkin 'bout it
And I know they think you're out of your mind
All of this time
I know what you've been waiting for
You can't deny
I know that you've been waiting for this"
Now some people don't believe waiting for Blue is worth it, but I think a lot more people told me that waiting to meet Hanson wasn't worth it. They were, *cough* WRONG. I would have told you that the first day I listened to them. (Which sadly I remember.) Waiting for Blue, as painful, and boring as it is, is worth more to me than meeting famous people any day.
So hold me to this; no more sulking.
"See I'm just too scared
To tell you the truth
Cause my heart, it can't take anymore
Broken and bruised, longing for you
And I don't know what I'm waiting for
Left on the sidelines
Stuck at a red light
Waiting for my time
So just tell me
Why don't you love me?"
There's nothing wrong with talking about how you feel, but there is a HUGE problem when you make it the only thing you think about. We're doing better. Thanks Hanson for the hope message, but I give my thanks to God because he proved to me that being patient is really worth it.
"The idea of waiting for something, makes it more exciting."- Andy Warhol
"Shout it out, so everybody can hear." -Hanson
Waiting for this by Hanson:
http://youtu.be/kOxvGWwfIgs
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Caution: Fragile, Will Bite Your Face Off
(This song is for all the fighters because there is hope, I promise.)
http://youtu.be/pUVxaYdgS_Q
I must be the most selfish person on the planet. My mom tells me all the time.
Is it normal to be jealous of other peoples happiness? Is it okay to be angry when everyone else gets everything YOU want?
Every single one of my friends are pairing off. One by one, there they go holding hands with a cute guy, with me standing next to them pretending that I don't care. Well, I care. At least now I do, and I have for at least a year. I wish I had a reason for the sudden change, but sadly I do not.
Now I have a friend who like all the others, is in a relationship. I should be happy, but I'm not. I keep asking myself why I'm not, and the only reason I can think of is, why her? I sound terrible. She's one of my good friends, but she's always been a little rough around the edges, and a bit of a tomboy. Believe me there is nothing wrong with that, but if someone like her can get a good guy like hers, then what's wrong with me? Is there something about me that makes me unlovable?
I really am glad that she finally found someone who makes her happy, but I've obviously reached my breaking point. So I sit here in humanities trying not to look horribly upset, because I really want to be happy for what other people have, instead of sulking in my own selfishness. I just don't understand why the more I wait for something like this to happen for me, the more obvious it appears that it's not happening. Why can't I know what it feels like to have someone care about me too?
See, selfish.
Yes, I want no one else in the entire world but Blue to be the guy for me. But we're at different ends of the earth right now. I have a football player who I would love to be more than friends with, but I'm scared that certain family members on my side won't take the news of me liking someone else, too well. It doesn't help that my mom (as much as she loves me, and wants me to be happy) says things like "Have you talked to (Blue) lately? What are you waiting for? You know if wait too long he'll find someone else."
I've been known as the person to bite your face off when I get defensive. I don't care who you are, it happens. So I'm sure you can imagine my response to my mother, when she talks about Blue. It's gotten to the point where I have to leave the room when she brings him up, because I don't feel like crying. Yes, I'm so fragile that a sentence from my mom can push me to tears. I try to hide it, that's when I get angry. We don't want to be angry anymore.
"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"
I know I'm not ugly. I know there's nothing wrong with me. But I can't help but think that it's not fair that everyone else gets to be happy, when I'm fighting for a smile everyday. I use to think of Blue when I got upset, because the thought of him made everything okay again. Now it's the opposite. I have to think of other things when I think of him. Now I found a guy who I really like, but my mom is shoving Blue down my throat. I'm about to throw up.
I want Blue really bad, but I can wait because I want the Blue God has waiting for me. I don't want to settle for a college athlete, or a rich party kid.
"I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more"
I'm more than lonely as you can see, but I have too much at risk to lower my standards for just anyone. Someone I really love told me that. I don't mind waiting. I hate it, but if it's not what I want, then I don't want it.
"I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls"
God knows when I'm sad. It's pretty obvious when I am, I'm not the best pretender. I tell myself all the time I don't care, and Blue can do whatever he wants, but saying goodbye never works. I'm back before I even left.
"Please don't try so hard to say goodbye"
So I should tell myself more often that, it's not goodbye, it's all see you soon, I promise. Optimism sounds pretty good right about now.
Sometimes I get mad at God. I keep saying, "Why me?" But I don't have it bad. I may not have it great, but I'm alive and I know I have plenty of people of who love me. In fact I have a lot of people who do. I just wish I felt like I did more often. Please forgive me, I don't want to be selfish. Deep down I'm happy for all of my friends, and I want them to have more than me because I feel no one needs to feel the way I do. Even though I'm a fighter, I hope no one else has to be.
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along,
My heart is full and my doors always open
You can come anytime you want"
I have to pretend a lot that I'm happy. I tell my friends I'm happy all the time. It's true half the time. But the feeling that I have to compromise to just barely make it, hurts. But I have to remember my time is coming, and it will all be worth it. After all I do not settle.
"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"- Maroon 5
So please handle with care, because this person is more than fragile, in fact this song made them cry. And they do bite so count your fingers.
http://youtu.be/pUVxaYdgS_Q
I must be the most selfish person on the planet. My mom tells me all the time.
Is it normal to be jealous of other peoples happiness? Is it okay to be angry when everyone else gets everything YOU want?
Every single one of my friends are pairing off. One by one, there they go holding hands with a cute guy, with me standing next to them pretending that I don't care. Well, I care. At least now I do, and I have for at least a year. I wish I had a reason for the sudden change, but sadly I do not.
Now I have a friend who like all the others, is in a relationship. I should be happy, but I'm not. I keep asking myself why I'm not, and the only reason I can think of is, why her? I sound terrible. She's one of my good friends, but she's always been a little rough around the edges, and a bit of a tomboy. Believe me there is nothing wrong with that, but if someone like her can get a good guy like hers, then what's wrong with me? Is there something about me that makes me unlovable?
I really am glad that she finally found someone who makes her happy, but I've obviously reached my breaking point. So I sit here in humanities trying not to look horribly upset, because I really want to be happy for what other people have, instead of sulking in my own selfishness. I just don't understand why the more I wait for something like this to happen for me, the more obvious it appears that it's not happening. Why can't I know what it feels like to have someone care about me too?
See, selfish.
Yes, I want no one else in the entire world but Blue to be the guy for me. But we're at different ends of the earth right now. I have a football player who I would love to be more than friends with, but I'm scared that certain family members on my side won't take the news of me liking someone else, too well. It doesn't help that my mom (as much as she loves me, and wants me to be happy) says things like "Have you talked to (Blue) lately? What are you waiting for? You know if wait too long he'll find someone else."
I've been known as the person to bite your face off when I get defensive. I don't care who you are, it happens. So I'm sure you can imagine my response to my mother, when she talks about Blue. It's gotten to the point where I have to leave the room when she brings him up, because I don't feel like crying. Yes, I'm so fragile that a sentence from my mom can push me to tears. I try to hide it, that's when I get angry. We don't want to be angry anymore.
"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"
I know I'm not ugly. I know there's nothing wrong with me. But I can't help but think that it's not fair that everyone else gets to be happy, when I'm fighting for a smile everyday. I use to think of Blue when I got upset, because the thought of him made everything okay again. Now it's the opposite. I have to think of other things when I think of him. Now I found a guy who I really like, but my mom is shoving Blue down my throat. I'm about to throw up.
I want Blue really bad, but I can wait because I want the Blue God has waiting for me. I don't want to settle for a college athlete, or a rich party kid.
"I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more"
I'm more than lonely as you can see, but I have too much at risk to lower my standards for just anyone. Someone I really love told me that. I don't mind waiting. I hate it, but if it's not what I want, then I don't want it.
"I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls"
God knows when I'm sad. It's pretty obvious when I am, I'm not the best pretender. I tell myself all the time I don't care, and Blue can do whatever he wants, but saying goodbye never works. I'm back before I even left.
"Please don't try so hard to say goodbye"
So I should tell myself more often that, it's not goodbye, it's all see you soon, I promise. Optimism sounds pretty good right about now.
Sometimes I get mad at God. I keep saying, "Why me?" But I don't have it bad. I may not have it great, but I'm alive and I know I have plenty of people of who love me. In fact I have a lot of people who do. I just wish I felt like I did more often. Please forgive me, I don't want to be selfish. Deep down I'm happy for all of my friends, and I want them to have more than me because I feel no one needs to feel the way I do. Even though I'm a fighter, I hope no one else has to be.
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along,
My heart is full and my doors always open
You can come anytime you want"
I have to pretend a lot that I'm happy. I tell my friends I'm happy all the time. It's true half the time. But the feeling that I have to compromise to just barely make it, hurts. But I have to remember my time is coming, and it will all be worth it. After all I do not settle.
"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"- Maroon 5
So please handle with care, because this person is more than fragile, in fact this song made them cry. And they do bite so count your fingers.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Coloring inside the lines.
I miss high school! I love college, because my stress level has dramatically decreased, but it's so boring!
I hang out with a good number of high schoolers, a good number of the time. They're my biffles. I need my daily dosage of over dramatic stories about walking through the halls, complaints about what girl likes what boy, and "How's my hair?" I love it. When I'm with these friends of mine, I forget I'm one-to-two years older than them, honestly I need to start acting my age. But I'm having so much fun.
I saw a large majority of these kids last weekend. We went to the movies, and to my liking it was a scary one, but I forgot that I was one of the few that could actually get myself into a rated R movie. But instead of going my own way I decided to join the shananagans. 12 kids found one couple to walk us in the theater as our "parents." One big happy multi-racial family. I held in my giggles.
This is where it got interesting.
It was time to play musical chairs. My friend and I quietly discussed who we wanted to sit by, but those plans went out the window as soon as I heard my name being called from the other end of the row. Guess who it was? That football player I have a tiny crush on.
My brain: "Uh oh. Is this allowed? Am I allowed to sit next to a boy during a movie? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO!?"
My feet didn't stop to listen to the panic attack. I sat down with my friend on the other side, and all she could talk about was, "He planned this. That's so cute!" So I sat there with my hands crossed, and my face starring strait at the screen, because there was a chance he really did plan it. I mean I hang out with this kid, with these children all the time, but this was a scary movie. But I was the "adult" in the situation and I can take care of myself just fine. Boys? Please.
The movie started and let me just tell you, it wasn't scary, but again I forgot who I was with. Babies. And as soon as one door in the movie opened by itself, I had two of those babies in my lap. One girl and one boy. If this boys plan was to make sure I was the one who was scared so he could hold my hand, he failed. I thought the bones in both of my hands were going to be crushed, because they were being squeezed to death by both of my neighbors. I was cracking up.
Here's the story of this kid. I met him last year at football practice, then didn't see him again until track season. I worked with both the football and track team, and at one of the track meets I hung out with this kid and all the other players. While walking somewhere with this kid he goes, "(My name) When are you going to tell your brother we're getting married?" (My brother is his coach...kill me.) So, laughing, I answered, "You're going to have to make sure it's okay with him." To my surprise he wasn't joking around when he said he would. That same night we're standing by the fence, and he calls my brother over and goes "Can I marry your sister?" I was expecting a dirty look, and maybe a few threats, but no. My brother just said, "Sure. Just be nice to her." And now we're "husband and wife."
I don't think we're playing house anymore. I think there's a good chance this kid really does like me. I think he has for a while actually. But I honestly tried really hard not to like him back, but nothing worked. He does everything right. He knows the kind of person I am, which is a very safe, careful, guarded, innocent girl. None of that bothers him. Something has to be wrong with his brain, because I usually send boys running when they learn all that stuff about me. But I guess even if my big brother can't scare him off then nothing's wrong with him.
Want to hear something crazy? I think this is a good thing. This past summer when I asked God to set me free of Blue, this kid came into the picture. I actually admitted to having a crush on him, but I was nervous about it. I didn't know if I was allowed to. It was like he was saving me from those terrible emotions that were wrapped around Blue. Kinda like God sent me him to disctract me from that mess. I'm normally a person who is able to tell when something is a good idea, and when something is going to blow up in my face. I know better not to go by feelings, because that's when everything starts to explode all around me. I guess you could say that at the moment I'm skeptical. Not about if the kid really does like me, but I just find it too good to be true all together. Like I said before, I have a creeper disease, and to have a normal guy, my type, actually you know, like ME sounds ridiculous. But he is trying and I can tell he means no harm.
I actually wanted to bring up a different song, but my iPod just had to have different plans. Now I'm stuck, and I can't choose. Both have similar meanings, so I guess I can use both. Sorry bare with me. The song my iPod decided to turn my attention to is by Demi Lovato. (I really wish I could sing like her.)
"Don't want to break your heart
Want to give your heart a break.
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake.
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to waste
So let me give your heart a break."
Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of this song, but it fits. I miss high school. Biggest reason being because I wasted half of it on a boy who was busy dating cheerleaders at my school versus his. Another reason why I hate him.
I didn't date because I didn't think any guy was good enough, and because I was scared of screwing myself up. Looks like not putting myself out there is what's screwing me up. Of course! Why wouldn't playing it safe make me miserable? Actually, that's not what messed me up. Playing it safe was the right thing to do, but holding myself back and missing ten zillion opportunities with Blue makes me an idiot. That's my biggest regret.
The Maine put a smile on my face.
"Remember son
All the things you've done
And all the things you've lost and all the things you've won...
And just wait your turn
And always try to learn
To find love in the ones who don't show love in return."
I'm a good person. I follow the rules. I'm getting more patient. I'm furious. I'm tired. I'm happy, and I understand.
The song "Color" by the Maine has always been the tune I turn on when I want to be in that smily, bad singing kind of mood. It gives me comfort and I can sit there with my eyes closed and chill out.
So once the movie was over, and the feeling in both of my hands came back, I was ready for the roll call of hugs, and the football player to walk out with all the others with the normal, "text me!" Well, that's what usually happens.
Reality---------> My phone went off as we all got up from our seats, and while I was handling a phone call, I thought I was the last one in the theater. Nope. Someone decided to try and trip me down the stairs. (Luckily I have quick feet.) Of course now we have to go through the "OMG, you're such a jeark! (Girl hit)" and then the "Ayeeeee I'm just messin!"....he's black....Only this time when I explained that he's the worst husband ever because of the tragic abuse, instead of him making a dramatic exit and pretending we hate each other, while trying not to laugh when we make eye contact, he did the opposite. He took my hand, gently this time, and we walked down the stairs and out the door. But when we met up with everyone else, I let go, because I didn't want to hear the "I'm telling coach," comments.
There's that careful part of me shining through like the sun exploding. It's a good thing I swear.
Part of me, a HUGE part, is so careful because I don't know when Blue will come back into the picture. But the rest of me is enjoying every bit of what's happening.
"When you're walking backwards
Don't be afraid to close your eyes.
Because the truth is darling
That everything will be alright."
This kid reminds me that it's okay to be happy even when things don't go as you plan. Hints the last three years of my life. But I still feel like this is a dream and he doesn't really exist. You can tell I'm new to the boy thing.
No need to worry. I'm still taking the same walk I have been for three years. This isn't a short cut, it's just helping me get there.
"Tell me everything
Will be alright
Walk this way with me
Into the night
Cause you can let it slide
Baby just for the night
Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes."
I think the pieces of my broken puzzle are coming back together. Carefully:)
I hang out with a good number of high schoolers, a good number of the time. They're my biffles. I need my daily dosage of over dramatic stories about walking through the halls, complaints about what girl likes what boy, and "How's my hair?" I love it. When I'm with these friends of mine, I forget I'm one-to-two years older than them, honestly I need to start acting my age. But I'm having so much fun.
I saw a large majority of these kids last weekend. We went to the movies, and to my liking it was a scary one, but I forgot that I was one of the few that could actually get myself into a rated R movie. But instead of going my own way I decided to join the shananagans. 12 kids found one couple to walk us in the theater as our "parents." One big happy multi-racial family. I held in my giggles.
This is where it got interesting.
It was time to play musical chairs. My friend and I quietly discussed who we wanted to sit by, but those plans went out the window as soon as I heard my name being called from the other end of the row. Guess who it was? That football player I have a tiny crush on.
My brain: "Uh oh. Is this allowed? Am I allowed to sit next to a boy during a movie? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO!?"
My feet didn't stop to listen to the panic attack. I sat down with my friend on the other side, and all she could talk about was, "He planned this. That's so cute!" So I sat there with my hands crossed, and my face starring strait at the screen, because there was a chance he really did plan it. I mean I hang out with this kid, with these children all the time, but this was a scary movie. But I was the "adult" in the situation and I can take care of myself just fine. Boys? Please.
The movie started and let me just tell you, it wasn't scary, but again I forgot who I was with. Babies. And as soon as one door in the movie opened by itself, I had two of those babies in my lap. One girl and one boy. If this boys plan was to make sure I was the one who was scared so he could hold my hand, he failed. I thought the bones in both of my hands were going to be crushed, because they were being squeezed to death by both of my neighbors. I was cracking up.
Here's the story of this kid. I met him last year at football practice, then didn't see him again until track season. I worked with both the football and track team, and at one of the track meets I hung out with this kid and all the other players. While walking somewhere with this kid he goes, "(My name) When are you going to tell your brother we're getting married?" (My brother is his coach...kill me.) So, laughing, I answered, "You're going to have to make sure it's okay with him." To my surprise he wasn't joking around when he said he would. That same night we're standing by the fence, and he calls my brother over and goes "Can I marry your sister?" I was expecting a dirty look, and maybe a few threats, but no. My brother just said, "Sure. Just be nice to her." And now we're "husband and wife."
I don't think we're playing house anymore. I think there's a good chance this kid really does like me. I think he has for a while actually. But I honestly tried really hard not to like him back, but nothing worked. He does everything right. He knows the kind of person I am, which is a very safe, careful, guarded, innocent girl. None of that bothers him. Something has to be wrong with his brain, because I usually send boys running when they learn all that stuff about me. But I guess even if my big brother can't scare him off then nothing's wrong with him.
Want to hear something crazy? I think this is a good thing. This past summer when I asked God to set me free of Blue, this kid came into the picture. I actually admitted to having a crush on him, but I was nervous about it. I didn't know if I was allowed to. It was like he was saving me from those terrible emotions that were wrapped around Blue. Kinda like God sent me him to disctract me from that mess. I'm normally a person who is able to tell when something is a good idea, and when something is going to blow up in my face. I know better not to go by feelings, because that's when everything starts to explode all around me. I guess you could say that at the moment I'm skeptical. Not about if the kid really does like me, but I just find it too good to be true all together. Like I said before, I have a creeper disease, and to have a normal guy, my type, actually you know, like ME sounds ridiculous. But he is trying and I can tell he means no harm.
I actually wanted to bring up a different song, but my iPod just had to have different plans. Now I'm stuck, and I can't choose. Both have similar meanings, so I guess I can use both. Sorry bare with me. The song my iPod decided to turn my attention to is by Demi Lovato. (I really wish I could sing like her.)
"Don't want to break your heart
Want to give your heart a break.
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake.
There's just one life to live
And there's no time to waste
So let me give your heart a break."
Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of this song, but it fits. I miss high school. Biggest reason being because I wasted half of it on a boy who was busy dating cheerleaders at my school versus his. Another reason why I hate him.
I didn't date because I didn't think any guy was good enough, and because I was scared of screwing myself up. Looks like not putting myself out there is what's screwing me up. Of course! Why wouldn't playing it safe make me miserable? Actually, that's not what messed me up. Playing it safe was the right thing to do, but holding myself back and missing ten zillion opportunities with Blue makes me an idiot. That's my biggest regret.
The Maine put a smile on my face.
"Remember son
All the things you've done
And all the things you've lost and all the things you've won...
And just wait your turn
And always try to learn
To find love in the ones who don't show love in return."
I'm a good person. I follow the rules. I'm getting more patient. I'm furious. I'm tired. I'm happy, and I understand.
The song "Color" by the Maine has always been the tune I turn on when I want to be in that smily, bad singing kind of mood. It gives me comfort and I can sit there with my eyes closed and chill out.
So once the movie was over, and the feeling in both of my hands came back, I was ready for the roll call of hugs, and the football player to walk out with all the others with the normal, "text me!" Well, that's what usually happens.
Reality---------> My phone went off as we all got up from our seats, and while I was handling a phone call, I thought I was the last one in the theater. Nope. Someone decided to try and trip me down the stairs. (Luckily I have quick feet.) Of course now we have to go through the "OMG, you're such a jeark! (Girl hit)" and then the "Ayeeeee I'm just messin!"....he's black....Only this time when I explained that he's the worst husband ever because of the tragic abuse, instead of him making a dramatic exit and pretending we hate each other, while trying not to laugh when we make eye contact, he did the opposite. He took my hand, gently this time, and we walked down the stairs and out the door. But when we met up with everyone else, I let go, because I didn't want to hear the "I'm telling coach," comments.
There's that careful part of me shining through like the sun exploding. It's a good thing I swear.
Part of me, a HUGE part, is so careful because I don't know when Blue will come back into the picture. But the rest of me is enjoying every bit of what's happening.
"When you're walking backwards
Don't be afraid to close your eyes.
Because the truth is darling
That everything will be alright."
This kid reminds me that it's okay to be happy even when things don't go as you plan. Hints the last three years of my life. But I still feel like this is a dream and he doesn't really exist. You can tell I'm new to the boy thing.
No need to worry. I'm still taking the same walk I have been for three years. This isn't a short cut, it's just helping me get there.
"Tell me everything
Will be alright
Walk this way with me
Into the night
Cause you can let it slide
Baby just for the night
Just know that everyone feels broken sometimes."
I think the pieces of my broken puzzle are coming back together. Carefully:)
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's Happening
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
I've been putting off this post. I'm not sure how to say any of this.
For starters.....................................................Cody Simpson came out with his new EP "Coast to Coast."
You'll be surprised to learn that was the highlight of my week despite everything else that happened, because this was a busy week.
I got a job that pays almost $20 an hour thanks to my bestie.
I got a stomach virus.
I almost got a B on my first college test. It was biology and I was very excited.
I failed my second college test. Math was created by satan.
I hung out with my crush and friends.
We lost by one touch down at our football game.
I don't have school on Thursday or Friday.
I have cramps.
I have two house sitting jobs for some extra cash and was given a cookie cake as a pay day. I danced.
And here we are.
Oh and Blue and his girlfriend broke up.
JSAAIHCEOIHCOASIWJFHTUH5 PDESVNAOIRJG54RIAEHTEOTYOIREDTOIGHTR
UHEROIAJT438076304976UTEOIJRG84YEHWFOJVODFIJ4O35J5T9453U5OWIEJFOWJSFLIOWEJRFV
ESWJFGIARE4J5T58TJWIEJTIRWEJG95JTPWJGW
gK43OITOIP4EJT8935YU09PU5QYPERJUG95UT64PWETJUGPOJVRJ498UTWPTU W4UWUT9U95T5U9W4ERU594U5 984W5U4W59WU59WUE9WU 9EW59WE59PW084545 9485 9W8ET9E85T 495 4985W08UERU 9485 -PA8R-W845-P8WA
My thoughts exactly.
One of my good friends plays lacrosse, and last year during practice a girl was hit the leg or head or something and proceeded to lay on the ground crying, and screaming "IT'S HAPPENING!"
No one ever learned exactly what was "happening" but I died laughing at the story.
When I recieved the news that Blue is single for the first time since October....don't ask how I know....I was driving. Then the rest is blank. I was in shock, and in tears, and dancing of course. So not exactly blank.
BUT!
I'm not going to do anything. Yet.
Only because I don't really know what to do persay...Help. Now it's dealing with all the stupid emo statuses he's posting about how sad and blah he is. HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES BUDDY!
As you can see I'm enjoying this. I don't feel like God is telling me to go back to him right away. Which I'm fine with because I have no idea what in bloody hell I'm doing. Excuse my french but this is ridiculous. It's like you speak Blue's name and I freeze and sparks start flying out of my head like a robot, and my brain malfunctions. How did this happen to me? Sheesh I thought I was the normal one but I'm as crazy as a hobo talking to his shoe.
But I can say that instead of feeling like deep dookie, I feel like singing.
I have new music on my iPod, two of those artists being Cody Simpson and Adele.
I would have LOVED Adele's "21" around graduation time when I was crying in the bathtub.
I felt like this:
"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in..."
Boohoo.
I fee like this:
Stupid dog face but I giggled.
Cody Simpson knows exactly how to make me feel better. He can sing, dance, or just stand there and I would pee my pants.
I'm so weird but it's what girls like me do. I bought his EP on iTunes for $4.96 and then went to Target and bought the same album only because it has two bonus tracks on it. It was only a dollar more and I am so so so so so happy I purchased it.
There's this song called "Crash" and it's adorbs. Like it's so cute I can't even function. (I've been watching too much Kardashian's.) Basically it's about him being totally in "like" with this girl and is completely taken over by her because everything about her is "out of this world." Only he doess't know if she even knows he exists. Now if I were 14 like this kid I would be on a one way trip to Australia to find him and live happily ever after, but I'm stuck her 18 and waiting on this kid who works at a mexican place, who doesn't know I exist. Oh Cody how I feel your pain.
In the song he continues to say how amazing it would be if the girl was on the same page. If she "crashed" into him he would be sent to the moon. Holla.back.at.that.
So here is how I feel now:
"Late at night
When it's dark
And the world's asleep
From the bottom
Of my heart
You're the one and only
Face in my mind that i see
Think im fallin'
Fallin' hard
Had me right from the start
And your smile
Takes me up
I've been walking
On the moon
Like an astronaut, yeah
If you sent me flyin'
Up in the sky
Imagine what happens
When two stars collide
So out of this world
So out of this earth
But tell me first
Wonder if
Does she even notice me?
Sometimes I dream
How I think It'll be
She'd just crash into,
crash into me, Crash into
Crash into me
Crash into,
Crash into me... (Oh girl)"
Only want Blue to feel this way. It's his turn.
I'm sitting here listening to "Crash" over and over because it makes me happy, and the reason I'm not pouncing like a lion on this situation is because it's not time. I'll know, but right now it's best to keep things put. More time to breathe, and get my act together.
So no more of this:
"Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When will I see you again?"
Adele can sing her heart out all she wants but I want this:
"Crash, crash baby
Crash into me
No if's or maybe's
Ain't nothing to it
Just crash crash baby
Take a chance with me
Let's get crazy
Crash, crash
Just crash into me
Girl, as hard as you can
Just like in neverland
Girl send me flyin'
No I ain't comin' back again
I can't imagine this
Can you imagine this?
Come on just crash into me
Wonder if
Does she even notice me?
Sometimes I dream
How I think It'll be
She'd just crash into,
crash into me, Crash into
Crash into me
Crash into,
Crash into me... (Oh girl)"
Watch us reunite over a finder binder. Haha get it? Crash?
Anyhooooooo I'm ready when he is, because when that time comes it will be right. Honestly, I can't imagine what it will be like. I'm sure I'll fly into space like Cody because everything about this kid sends me to another world. Gag. :)
Listent to Cody:)
http://youtu.be/zcNlBz_Ld6I
I've been putting off this post. I'm not sure how to say any of this.
For starters.....................................................Cody Simpson came out with his new EP "Coast to Coast."
You'll be surprised to learn that was the highlight of my week despite everything else that happened, because this was a busy week.
I got a job that pays almost $20 an hour thanks to my bestie.
I got a stomach virus.
I almost got a B on my first college test. It was biology and I was very excited.
I failed my second college test. Math was created by satan.
I hung out with my crush and friends.
We lost by one touch down at our football game.
I don't have school on Thursday or Friday.
I have cramps.
I have two house sitting jobs for some extra cash and was given a cookie cake as a pay day. I danced.
And here we are.
Oh and Blue and his girlfriend broke up.
JSAAIHCEOIHCOASIWJFHTUH5 PDESVNAOIRJG54RIAEHTEOTYOIREDTOIGHTR
UHEROIAJT438076304976UTEOIJRG84YEHWFOJVODFIJ4O35J5T9453U5OWIEJFOWJSFLIOWEJRFV
ESWJFGIARE4J5T58TJWIEJTIRWEJG95JTPWJGW
gK43OITOIP4EJT8935YU09PU5QYPERJUG95UT64PWETJUGPOJVRJ498UTWPTU W4UWUT9U95T5U9W4ERU594U5 984W5U4W59WU59WUE9WU 9EW59WE59PW084545 9485 9W8ET9E85T 495 4985W08UERU 9485 -PA8R-W845-P8WA
My thoughts exactly.
One of my good friends plays lacrosse, and last year during practice a girl was hit the leg or head or something and proceeded to lay on the ground crying, and screaming "IT'S HAPPENING!"
No one ever learned exactly what was "happening" but I died laughing at the story.
When I recieved the news that Blue is single for the first time since October....don't ask how I know....I was driving. Then the rest is blank. I was in shock, and in tears, and dancing of course. So not exactly blank.
BUT!
I'm not going to do anything. Yet.
Only because I don't really know what to do persay...Help. Now it's dealing with all the stupid emo statuses he's posting about how sad and blah he is. HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES BUDDY!
As you can see I'm enjoying this. I don't feel like God is telling me to go back to him right away. Which I'm fine with because I have no idea what in bloody hell I'm doing. Excuse my french but this is ridiculous. It's like you speak Blue's name and I freeze and sparks start flying out of my head like a robot, and my brain malfunctions. How did this happen to me? Sheesh I thought I was the normal one but I'm as crazy as a hobo talking to his shoe.
But I can say that instead of feeling like deep dookie, I feel like singing.
I have new music on my iPod, two of those artists being Cody Simpson and Adele.
I would have LOVED Adele's "21" around graduation time when I was crying in the bathtub.
I felt like this:
"When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in..."
Boohoo.
I fee like this:
Stupid dog face but I giggled.
Cody Simpson knows exactly how to make me feel better. He can sing, dance, or just stand there and I would pee my pants.
I'm so weird but it's what girls like me do. I bought his EP on iTunes for $4.96 and then went to Target and bought the same album only because it has two bonus tracks on it. It was only a dollar more and I am so so so so so happy I purchased it.
There's this song called "Crash" and it's adorbs. Like it's so cute I can't even function. (I've been watching too much Kardashian's.) Basically it's about him being totally in "like" with this girl and is completely taken over by her because everything about her is "out of this world." Only he doess't know if she even knows he exists. Now if I were 14 like this kid I would be on a one way trip to Australia to find him and live happily ever after, but I'm stuck her 18 and waiting on this kid who works at a mexican place, who doesn't know I exist. Oh Cody how I feel your pain.
In the song he continues to say how amazing it would be if the girl was on the same page. If she "crashed" into him he would be sent to the moon. Holla.back.at.that.
So here is how I feel now:
"Late at night
When it's dark
And the world's asleep
From the bottom
Of my heart
You're the one and only
Face in my mind that i see
Think im fallin'
Fallin' hard
Had me right from the start
And your smile
Takes me up
I've been walking
On the moon
Like an astronaut, yeah
If you sent me flyin'
Up in the sky
Imagine what happens
When two stars collide
So out of this world
So out of this earth
But tell me first
Wonder if
Does she even notice me?
Sometimes I dream
How I think It'll be
She'd just crash into,
crash into me, Crash into
Crash into me
Crash into,
Crash into me... (Oh girl)"
Only want Blue to feel this way. It's his turn.
I'm sitting here listening to "Crash" over and over because it makes me happy, and the reason I'm not pouncing like a lion on this situation is because it's not time. I'll know, but right now it's best to keep things put. More time to breathe, and get my act together.
So no more of this:
"Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When will I see you again?"
Adele can sing her heart out all she wants but I want this:
"Crash, crash baby
Crash into me
No if's or maybe's
Ain't nothing to it
Just crash crash baby
Take a chance with me
Let's get crazy
Crash, crash
Just crash into me
Girl, as hard as you can
Just like in neverland
Girl send me flyin'
No I ain't comin' back again
I can't imagine this
Can you imagine this?
Come on just crash into me
Wonder if
Does she even notice me?
Sometimes I dream
How I think It'll be
She'd just crash into,
crash into me, Crash into
Crash into me
Crash into,
Crash into me... (Oh girl)"
Watch us reunite over a finder binder. Haha get it? Crash?
Anyhooooooo I'm ready when he is, because when that time comes it will be right. Honestly, I can't imagine what it will be like. I'm sure I'll fly into space like Cody because everything about this kid sends me to another world. Gag. :)
Listent to Cody:)
http://youtu.be/zcNlBz_Ld6I
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
So over being Blue...but not quite over you
It's been an eventful week. A good week nonetheless, but my brain won't shut off. .
I'm officially a football fan. My high school team is making a come back, finally. I understand where all the enthusiasm comes from now, and loveeeeeeeeeeee being on that field.
Last Thursday, so that was like September 15, I was working the JV football game and having a blast. But I was nervous. Blue's girlfriend was one of the cheerleaders and he apparently comes and watches her...or did this one time but everyone decided to let me know just in case it happened again. Love my friends but really? I was doing so good!
He didn't show up. And I was very happy about that.
I wasn't ready to see him. Even though I would love to have another five second "Hi, how are you? How's school? Good seeing you!" conversation with him, I want more than that. I want more conversations. An actual conversation. I miss the inside jokes, the Facebook comments where he would write funny things and I would have this stupid smile on my face for days. I miss being his friend. And I'm glad he didn't show his face at the game. I mean it's not like he missed anything, because his girly friend looked scared to death of standing in front of people, and could possibly break in half at any second because she's stick skinny. Of course I would have loved to watch that but that mean judgmental person is behind me!
I had fun at the game. I spent the night with one of my closest friends, hung out with that player I have a tiny crush on, and my best friend came and surprised me. And we won. Plus I said hi to this cute player I had a massive crush on last year. I looked like a fool but it made my night cause he smiled back with his chipped tooth and mouth full of Italian Ice. He's much cuter than he sounds.
I'm sure it sounds like I'm boy crazy, but I'm not. I get crushes all the time but I never do anything about them. And you wanna know why? You should already know because I've been repeating myself in every post so far, but if ya don't it's because of Blue.
I kept myself from being more than friends from any guy because none of them had what I wanted. I wanted Blue. Plain and simple. Now my head is spinning because I have a crush on someone else and I'm not afraid of it. Or him.
The radio is my BFF. I was running and errand a few days ago and heard a once popular song by the artist Ne-Yo. It's one of those songs where you're supposed to be sad when you hear it but it gave me closure. For real I can't stop listening to it.
"And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?"
I found myself paranoid about the game last Thursday, because I knew how I would react to seeing him. I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted to see him, and I sound like a drug addict. Lord help us. It's all in my head. The more I worry about something the bigger a deal I make it, and usually the bigger the disappointment. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him that night. Call me a pessimist but it was too easy. I've stopped getting my hopes up about anything. I'm tired of being disappointed, because I actually want to be happy. But I put myself in these moods because I miss him and that's when my brain won't shut off. That's when I start to obsess and when everything I do, hear or think about, reminds me of him. I don't want to let him go, but I have to move on for now. So that's what I'm going to do...again. I've been trying but it's harder than it sounds. Understand the lyrics? I've never even had a break up before and this is killing me. Just be glad I'm not on crazy pills.
"So fed up with thoughts of you and your memory
And how every song reminds me of what use to be"
I don't think those lines need explaining.
I really don't mean to sound so negative but this is what my mind has been consumed with for years now. Only these days my thoughts are making me turn into that sad girl who walks around feeling numb all the time. We don't want to go back there. Do not enter.
I know I said it before, but it's time I stop. The last straw. One relapse and that does it. I'm tired of being, well tired.
I'm bored.
I want some excitement gosh darn it!
Maybe this crush will go somewhere. I actually kind of want it to. But that's a work in progress. We'll see. Like I said, I can't get my hopes up, because honestly with my luck it's too good to be true. But so far so very good!
I found out I'm not the only one thinking or "fighting." My best friend has been dating the same guy since our freshman year of high school. A very good, simple relationship. It's obvious they care about each other but she's not sure he's the one. Understandable. But she's stuck because she doesn't want to make the wrong decision and risk losing him all together.
Part of me wants to slap her and scream "Are you crazy!? Do you know how lucky you are?!" But that wouldn't help anyone.
I've always been a little jealous of her relationship because it's what I wanted with Blue. I guess her boyfriend isn't her Blue? Blue is pretty much one of a kind. And stupid. I hate him. Anyway... at least I know what I want and what I have to do. She's still deciding.
I have another good friend who is basically me in another body. I thought I was the most innocent teenager on the face of the planet, until I met her. She and I have the same values and beliefs when it comes to how we live our lives. She doesn't date because she is strong enough in her faith that God already has someone for her. But that doesn't mean she's never liked anyone. She probably has the cutest high school crush ever going on right now. She and one of my guy friends REALLY like each other, and it's one of the first guys who is genuine about his feelings towards her. She told him strait up that they can't date, and the boy simply told her, "I respect you, and will always care about you because you're worth it." Adorable? She wishes she could give in, but she knows it wouldn't be right. She texted me Saturday around midnight frantic, because they held hands. I understand her freak out because the first time I held hands with the guy I like my heart was beating so fast I was worried everyone could hear it. I'm convinced that reaction is normal.
I understand why my friend his happy, but I understand more why she's frustrated. We have to move on with our lives as happy as the person makes us.
The three of us girls are young, so we pretty much have all the time in the world to worry about boys. I think I'll take a break from this nonsense. My brain needs a time out. I know, I already said I would move on and that I was "free" of all things Blue, but I had a slip. I guess I wasn't prepared to have a chance to see him so soon. He just knows how to ruin everything. I'd say I'm prepared now. I'll keep a small look out during games, and when we meet face to face I'll tell him what I've been dying to say to him," What's your name again?"
Bam.
"It's been months and for some reason I just can't get over us
And I'm stronger than this
Enough is enough
No more walking around with my head down
I'm so over being BLUE
Crying over you"
No more tears. No more anger. No more anything. I'm not done with him though. Who else would I write about? There's another JV game this week.........where are the crazy pills...........
I'm officially a football fan. My high school team is making a come back, finally. I understand where all the enthusiasm comes from now, and loveeeeeeeeeeee being on that field.
Last Thursday, so that was like September 15, I was working the JV football game and having a blast. But I was nervous. Blue's girlfriend was one of the cheerleaders and he apparently comes and watches her...or did this one time but everyone decided to let me know just in case it happened again. Love my friends but really? I was doing so good!
He didn't show up. And I was very happy about that.
I wasn't ready to see him. Even though I would love to have another five second "Hi, how are you? How's school? Good seeing you!" conversation with him, I want more than that. I want more conversations. An actual conversation. I miss the inside jokes, the Facebook comments where he would write funny things and I would have this stupid smile on my face for days. I miss being his friend. And I'm glad he didn't show his face at the game. I mean it's not like he missed anything, because his girly friend looked scared to death of standing in front of people, and could possibly break in half at any second because she's stick skinny. Of course I would have loved to watch that but that mean judgmental person is behind me!
I had fun at the game. I spent the night with one of my closest friends, hung out with that player I have a tiny crush on, and my best friend came and surprised me. And we won. Plus I said hi to this cute player I had a massive crush on last year. I looked like a fool but it made my night cause he smiled back with his chipped tooth and mouth full of Italian Ice. He's much cuter than he sounds.
I'm sure it sounds like I'm boy crazy, but I'm not. I get crushes all the time but I never do anything about them. And you wanna know why? You should already know because I've been repeating myself in every post so far, but if ya don't it's because of Blue.
I kept myself from being more than friends from any guy because none of them had what I wanted. I wanted Blue. Plain and simple. Now my head is spinning because I have a crush on someone else and I'm not afraid of it. Or him.
The radio is my BFF. I was running and errand a few days ago and heard a once popular song by the artist Ne-Yo. It's one of those songs where you're supposed to be sad when you hear it but it gave me closure. For real I can't stop listening to it.
"And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?"
I found myself paranoid about the game last Thursday, because I knew how I would react to seeing him. I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted to see him, and I sound like a drug addict. Lord help us. It's all in my head. The more I worry about something the bigger a deal I make it, and usually the bigger the disappointment. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him that night. Call me a pessimist but it was too easy. I've stopped getting my hopes up about anything. I'm tired of being disappointed, because I actually want to be happy. But I put myself in these moods because I miss him and that's when my brain won't shut off. That's when I start to obsess and when everything I do, hear or think about, reminds me of him. I don't want to let him go, but I have to move on for now. So that's what I'm going to do...again. I've been trying but it's harder than it sounds. Understand the lyrics? I've never even had a break up before and this is killing me. Just be glad I'm not on crazy pills.
"So fed up with thoughts of you and your memory
And how every song reminds me of what use to be"
I don't think those lines need explaining.
I really don't mean to sound so negative but this is what my mind has been consumed with for years now. Only these days my thoughts are making me turn into that sad girl who walks around feeling numb all the time. We don't want to go back there. Do not enter.
I know I said it before, but it's time I stop. The last straw. One relapse and that does it. I'm tired of being, well tired.
I'm bored.
I want some excitement gosh darn it!
Maybe this crush will go somewhere. I actually kind of want it to. But that's a work in progress. We'll see. Like I said, I can't get my hopes up, because honestly with my luck it's too good to be true. But so far so very good!
I found out I'm not the only one thinking or "fighting." My best friend has been dating the same guy since our freshman year of high school. A very good, simple relationship. It's obvious they care about each other but she's not sure he's the one. Understandable. But she's stuck because she doesn't want to make the wrong decision and risk losing him all together.
Part of me wants to slap her and scream "Are you crazy!? Do you know how lucky you are?!" But that wouldn't help anyone.
I've always been a little jealous of her relationship because it's what I wanted with Blue. I guess her boyfriend isn't her Blue? Blue is pretty much one of a kind. And stupid. I hate him. Anyway... at least I know what I want and what I have to do. She's still deciding.
I have another good friend who is basically me in another body. I thought I was the most innocent teenager on the face of the planet, until I met her. She and I have the same values and beliefs when it comes to how we live our lives. She doesn't date because she is strong enough in her faith that God already has someone for her. But that doesn't mean she's never liked anyone. She probably has the cutest high school crush ever going on right now. She and one of my guy friends REALLY like each other, and it's one of the first guys who is genuine about his feelings towards her. She told him strait up that they can't date, and the boy simply told her, "I respect you, and will always care about you because you're worth it." Adorable? She wishes she could give in, but she knows it wouldn't be right. She texted me Saturday around midnight frantic, because they held hands. I understand her freak out because the first time I held hands with the guy I like my heart was beating so fast I was worried everyone could hear it. I'm convinced that reaction is normal.
I understand why my friend his happy, but I understand more why she's frustrated. We have to move on with our lives as happy as the person makes us.
The three of us girls are young, so we pretty much have all the time in the world to worry about boys. I think I'll take a break from this nonsense. My brain needs a time out. I know, I already said I would move on and that I was "free" of all things Blue, but I had a slip. I guess I wasn't prepared to have a chance to see him so soon. He just knows how to ruin everything. I'd say I'm prepared now. I'll keep a small look out during games, and when we meet face to face I'll tell him what I've been dying to say to him," What's your name again?"
Bam.
"It's been months and for some reason I just can't get over us
And I'm stronger than this
Enough is enough
No more walking around with my head down
I'm so over being BLUE
Crying over you"
No more tears. No more anger. No more anything. I'm not done with him though. Who else would I write about? There's another JV game this week.........where are the crazy pills...........
Monday, September 5, 2011
Any Other Way
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
Two more years until its fixed.
The rules of the game changed.
Three years of waiting.
An incomplete pass and the game was over.
More questions than answers = straight panic.
What happened to the fun?
Three years of waiting and so on.
I went to a concert about two weeks ago. It was fantastic. There's this thing called reggae and I thought it was what people listen to when they're inhaling bad things that smell like garbage, but its not. It's, well fantastic. I went to see Matisyahu who's Jewish, and he was great but I'm obsessed with his opening act. His name is Trevor Hall and he's like the real deal. I'm not making any sense am I? Back up.
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
I like football. Or football players. Either way I went to a game last Friday and we lost. It was a heartbreak because we should have won. Guess why we lost. Well you're wrong.
We lost because the team has a reputation to live up to and another reputation to kill. My high school used to be known for its great football team. Last year we only won five games out of like 16. That's the rep they're trying to kill if you were wondering. They're too distracted by trying to out do one another instead of focusing as a team. Which is bad.
It was a tied game until the third quarter, when we were down by two. Then we scored during the last three minutes of the game, and all we needed was one more touchdown to tie it up and go into over time. The quarter back threw it to our wide receiver and he missed the catch. There was one minute and 43 seconds left on the clock.
I bet that wide receiver wished that play went a completely different way.
Two more years until its fixed.
I know someone who has some health issues. To be honest I don't really know what's going on because I'm afraid to ask. It's my mom. She's okay, just a little freaked because she has to wait two years before the issue can be fixed. My dad doesn't really know what to do. So he gets mad, which doesn't help. Obviously.
My mom got mad at me the other day. Not too sure why and in all honesty I really mean that. She just went on this rant and I was so confused. Then she pulled the death card. I love my mom and I can't imagine what's she going through which is sad and scary, but the only frustrating part to me is she doesn't want to talk to me about it. That can have its pros and cons. The pro is it helps with the worry and things of that nature, but you can't not tell me and then expect me to understand. Which she knows I don't understand but that day when she got mad at me and started with the "What if I wasn't here? You would be fine if I was gone! It wouldn't phase you one bit," that made me mad because that's not fair.
I still don't know what I did to make her freak out, but why would she say that? I feel bad though. She's scared and really worried about us, because she doesn't know what to say. Doctors keep telling her more and more stuff, which are some answers but she's still worried. I mean wouldn't you be?
My mom didn't ask for this. No one does. I'm sure the question "Why me?" has slipped out more than once.
The rules of the game changed.
So I love football and volunteer with my old high school's team.............it's not as fun as it use to be. We got a knew athletic trainer and she's kind of a big fat B word. But I'm nice and bite my tongue. It's like everything has changed, and I'm not the best with changing something that was already working out. It's like changing how you make chocolate chip cookies. Why would you do that? I mean if it tastes good leave it alone!
Now there's a difference between room for improvement and changing everything you can get your hands on. The new lady went with the second option. NOT OKAY. And the frustrating part is you can't say anything because she's in charge. Gag.
She yelled at me today. Again. But this time she was questioning my motives. If you know me, which you don't, but if you did you would know I love volunteering with my team, and helping out and being surrounded my some of my closest friends. I won an award for it last year. Does she care? No. If you so much as walk in the shade she will lose her marbles. Her ugly marbles. Guess what I did and guess who lost her marbles. Telling me my heart's not in that team is like telling a mother she hates her child. I wanted to punch a heffer. Why you gotta be so mean?
I wish they hired someone else and it was all like it use to be.
Well you know what? Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for sure and no I don't always like it. But I don't have a choice. And it's that way for a reason because if it were my decision I would be filthy rich for no reason, and eat bread without getting bloated, and be able to fly. But that's selfish thinking.
"As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning"
What am I saying?
Trevor Hall is a reggae singer who has sexy dreads, and gave me some peace of mind. Would I really change the way things are? Would you? Yeah my life sucks 98% of the time, and that's the honest truth. But there's worse that could happen.
The first verse up there ^ is talking about feeling like a fool because everything falling to pieces and how it's not really effecting him. Or is it affect? Either way those two words are stupid. Then he goes on...
"Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
Guess you win
I thought of you this morning"
He's thinking about someone. They made a really good impression on him. Yeah that happened to me once. Three years ago. I met this guy who I can't talk about now because he makes me angry, but I think about him constantly because I'm in love with him, and that's all I got to say about that. But I said bye to Blue a few months ago. I guess he won which meant I lost right? Psh please. Everything happens to for a reason remember.
"Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read above my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my song
I've realized that none of it went wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?"
Some of my favorite lyrics ever I believe.
I talked to the wide receiver after the game. The quarter back wasn't supposed to throw that pass to him. So they tried the play again. This time the QB purposely threw it to him and he caught it. We still lost but he got his chance at redemption. And that was all he needed to feel like a winner. Well that last line sounded like straight cheese but you understand. He told me he wouldn't change anything because one game didn't mean anything. "We got 16 left we're going all the way to the ship!" (Championship) Optimistic people go first in my book:)
"Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
Guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning"
My moms really scared. But she knows everything will be okay. So do I. So what we're poor! So what we yell at each other! So what? That's what makes my family us. It wouldn't be the same without all that jazz. I'm sure another truck will come back and hit us. At least we've got the pillows ready for some padding.
And as for that mean lady... I'm avoiding her. It would take a dinosaur eating me to get me away from that team. As long as I got them I'm happy:)
And as for Blue, I already set myself free of him. Honestly I'm glad things are the way they are. You do you and imma do me. Chains are off and I'm having a jolly time roaming. He's still always in my head but God is always with me giving me strength. So I guess you lose Blue baby! Even though you didn't know you were in the game........but you still lose. Or its a tie. Or I quit playing. Or I need a time out.
Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
Two more years until its fixed.
The rules of the game changed.
Three years of waiting.
An incomplete pass and the game was over.
More questions than answers = straight panic.
What happened to the fun?
Three years of waiting and so on.
I went to a concert about two weeks ago. It was fantastic. There's this thing called reggae and I thought it was what people listen to when they're inhaling bad things that smell like garbage, but its not. It's, well fantastic. I went to see Matisyahu who's Jewish, and he was great but I'm obsessed with his opening act. His name is Trevor Hall and he's like the real deal. I'm not making any sense am I? Back up.
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
I like football. Or football players. Either way I went to a game last Friday and we lost. It was a heartbreak because we should have won. Guess why we lost. Well you're wrong.
We lost because the team has a reputation to live up to and another reputation to kill. My high school used to be known for its great football team. Last year we only won five games out of like 16. That's the rep they're trying to kill if you were wondering. They're too distracted by trying to out do one another instead of focusing as a team. Which is bad.
It was a tied game until the third quarter, when we were down by two. Then we scored during the last three minutes of the game, and all we needed was one more touchdown to tie it up and go into over time. The quarter back threw it to our wide receiver and he missed the catch. There was one minute and 43 seconds left on the clock.
I bet that wide receiver wished that play went a completely different way.
Two more years until its fixed.
I know someone who has some health issues. To be honest I don't really know what's going on because I'm afraid to ask. It's my mom. She's okay, just a little freaked because she has to wait two years before the issue can be fixed. My dad doesn't really know what to do. So he gets mad, which doesn't help. Obviously.
My mom got mad at me the other day. Not too sure why and in all honesty I really mean that. She just went on this rant and I was so confused. Then she pulled the death card. I love my mom and I can't imagine what's she going through which is sad and scary, but the only frustrating part to me is she doesn't want to talk to me about it. That can have its pros and cons. The pro is it helps with the worry and things of that nature, but you can't not tell me and then expect me to understand. Which she knows I don't understand but that day when she got mad at me and started with the "What if I wasn't here? You would be fine if I was gone! It wouldn't phase you one bit," that made me mad because that's not fair.
I still don't know what I did to make her freak out, but why would she say that? I feel bad though. She's scared and really worried about us, because she doesn't know what to say. Doctors keep telling her more and more stuff, which are some answers but she's still worried. I mean wouldn't you be?
My mom didn't ask for this. No one does. I'm sure the question "Why me?" has slipped out more than once.
The rules of the game changed.
So I love football and volunteer with my old high school's team.............it's not as fun as it use to be. We got a knew athletic trainer and she's kind of a big fat B word. But I'm nice and bite my tongue. It's like everything has changed, and I'm not the best with changing something that was already working out. It's like changing how you make chocolate chip cookies. Why would you do that? I mean if it tastes good leave it alone!
Now there's a difference between room for improvement and changing everything you can get your hands on. The new lady went with the second option. NOT OKAY. And the frustrating part is you can't say anything because she's in charge. Gag.
She yelled at me today. Again. But this time she was questioning my motives. If you know me, which you don't, but if you did you would know I love volunteering with my team, and helping out and being surrounded my some of my closest friends. I won an award for it last year. Does she care? No. If you so much as walk in the shade she will lose her marbles. Her ugly marbles. Guess what I did and guess who lost her marbles. Telling me my heart's not in that team is like telling a mother she hates her child. I wanted to punch a heffer. Why you gotta be so mean?
I wish they hired someone else and it was all like it use to be.
Well you know what? Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for sure and no I don't always like it. But I don't have a choice. And it's that way for a reason because if it were my decision I would be filthy rich for no reason, and eat bread without getting bloated, and be able to fly. But that's selfish thinking.
"As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning"
What am I saying?
Trevor Hall is a reggae singer who has sexy dreads, and gave me some peace of mind. Would I really change the way things are? Would you? Yeah my life sucks 98% of the time, and that's the honest truth. But there's worse that could happen.
The first verse up there ^ is talking about feeling like a fool because everything falling to pieces and how it's not really effecting him. Or is it affect? Either way those two words are stupid. Then he goes on...
"Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
Guess you win
I thought of you this morning"
He's thinking about someone. They made a really good impression on him. Yeah that happened to me once. Three years ago. I met this guy who I can't talk about now because he makes me angry, but I think about him constantly because I'm in love with him, and that's all I got to say about that. But I said bye to Blue a few months ago. I guess he won which meant I lost right? Psh please. Everything happens to for a reason remember.
"Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read above my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my song
I've realized that none of it went wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?"
Some of my favorite lyrics ever I believe.
I talked to the wide receiver after the game. The quarter back wasn't supposed to throw that pass to him. So they tried the play again. This time the QB purposely threw it to him and he caught it. We still lost but he got his chance at redemption. And that was all he needed to feel like a winner. Well that last line sounded like straight cheese but you understand. He told me he wouldn't change anything because one game didn't mean anything. "We got 16 left we're going all the way to the ship!" (Championship) Optimistic people go first in my book:)
"Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
Guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning"
My moms really scared. But she knows everything will be okay. So do I. So what we're poor! So what we yell at each other! So what? That's what makes my family us. It wouldn't be the same without all that jazz. I'm sure another truck will come back and hit us. At least we've got the pillows ready for some padding.
And as for that mean lady... I'm avoiding her. It would take a dinosaur eating me to get me away from that team. As long as I got them I'm happy:)
And as for Blue, I already set myself free of him. Honestly I'm glad things are the way they are. You do you and imma do me. Chains are off and I'm having a jolly time roaming. He's still always in my head but God is always with me giving me strength. So I guess you lose Blue baby! Even though you didn't know you were in the game........but you still lose. Or its a tie. Or I quit playing. Or I need a time out.
Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Is this real life?
I have a creeper curse.
I must wear a sign on my forehead that says "I love weird awkward people."
But I could do a happy dance because someone has a crush on me and it's so cute. Plus you know he's pretty darn attractive too, which makes it a billion times better.
He's not a creeper, he's adorable. Would you like to know his name?
I don't think so. :)
I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I'm still reminding myself that it's too good to be true. And I'm sure that sounds sad but it's SO true. If you don't believe me just think blue. So this is how we're going to play this;
Anonymous writer girl's rule for life:
Play it safe and nothing gets broken.
I'm afraid of a guy liking me. Idk what to do about it. What I use to do was completely cut them out of my life and pretend that they never exsisted. But that could have been because they were that weird awkward kid that I had no feelings for. I don't mean to sound mean, and I know you should give people chances, but......... I guess I'm just a mean person.
"It's hard to face the things we're afraid of, sometimes we just need a little help."(One Tree Hill?)
Music helps.
So I like this band and they recently made a come back, even though I've been following them since practically 1997. Hanson has a song called "Out of My Head" that was released on the Strong Enough to Break DVD and album. It's basically saying, "Call me crazy but I think you like me!"
"When I saw your face
Suddenly I'm losing faith, yeah
The words are few to place
Give up, give out, giving no big disgrace
Let's stop wasting time
Let's stop wasting time
Say your mine
But can you tell me I'm out of my head
Quit playing with my mind
Don't tell me I'm out of my head
Let's stop wasting time
I feel like I'm losing my head
Won't you tell my I'm out of my head..."
I must sounds really pathetic. But I'm in a vulnerable state right now. I gave up on Blue for the summer.
Guess what?
Summer's over.
I don't want to go back to that person who was sad and angry all the time. I had a problem last night and cried a little because of something stupid that reminded me of why I can't be with Blue.
I can't really handle things being taken away from me at the moment. Therefore you see why I'm not all happy and over the top excited about having someone liking me for once. I don't know for sure that anything is going to happen with this new kid, so I don't want to chance it. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens.
He held my hand the other night and that felt nice. I'm so dumb.
I don't like to talk about boys! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Now I feel like I have no filter and words are just flying out. Fml. I need help.
Yes, I am happy about this person and the way things are going. How are things going? We'll talk, hang out, and it's fun, not awkward, not anything but a bunch of friends hanging out with each other. If we don't talk for a while I'm not freaking out about it, but I do smile when my phone lights up when he texts me. If things don't work out, oh well, I really just want him to be my friend. I don't need another MIA Blue. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
So am I crazy? Of course but I've accepted it.
But am I crazy for not being too excited about having a crush? I'm still deciding.
Is it sad that I think it's too good to be true, and it's impossible for any guy to like me? Probably, but better safe than sorry. Right?
Yeah I still want Blue to come to his senses, but I'm not sitting here waiting for that. No sir!
Oh lord, guess what song just popped in my head? Thank you Disney!
"I dream is a wish your heart makes
when you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lost your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep..."
Am I dreaming? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I need to dream a happy ending and just pretend for a while. Or is that bad? Why so many questions? I told you I'm not good at this. No filter.
I need a happy ending. Maybe I need to let this other guy in a little more. I can tell he's trying and I'm just standing there smiling. I'm scared. Bite me.
I think being scared is a good thing, that way I'll always play it safe. But when the time comes to be brave I'll grab my sword and be the fighter I am. (And kick butt.) So until then I'll let Hanson take over.:)
"Let me in your heart
Give up, give out, give in is where it starts
Dreaming's not so hard
Once you've found your shooting star...."
I hate boys and I want a cookie.
I must wear a sign on my forehead that says "I love weird awkward people."
But I could do a happy dance because someone has a crush on me and it's so cute. Plus you know he's pretty darn attractive too, which makes it a billion times better.
He's not a creeper, he's adorable. Would you like to know his name?
I don't think so. :)
I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I'm still reminding myself that it's too good to be true. And I'm sure that sounds sad but it's SO true. If you don't believe me just think blue. So this is how we're going to play this;
Anonymous writer girl's rule for life:
Play it safe and nothing gets broken.
I'm afraid of a guy liking me. Idk what to do about it. What I use to do was completely cut them out of my life and pretend that they never exsisted. But that could have been because they were that weird awkward kid that I had no feelings for. I don't mean to sound mean, and I know you should give people chances, but......... I guess I'm just a mean person.
"It's hard to face the things we're afraid of, sometimes we just need a little help."(One Tree Hill?)
Music helps.
So I like this band and they recently made a come back, even though I've been following them since practically 1997. Hanson has a song called "Out of My Head" that was released on the Strong Enough to Break DVD and album. It's basically saying, "Call me crazy but I think you like me!"
"When I saw your face
Suddenly I'm losing faith, yeah
The words are few to place
Give up, give out, giving no big disgrace
Let's stop wasting time
Let's stop wasting time
Say your mine
But can you tell me I'm out of my head
Quit playing with my mind
Don't tell me I'm out of my head
Let's stop wasting time
I feel like I'm losing my head
Won't you tell my I'm out of my head..."
I must sounds really pathetic. But I'm in a vulnerable state right now. I gave up on Blue for the summer.
Guess what?
Summer's over.
I don't want to go back to that person who was sad and angry all the time. I had a problem last night and cried a little because of something stupid that reminded me of why I can't be with Blue.
I can't really handle things being taken away from me at the moment. Therefore you see why I'm not all happy and over the top excited about having someone liking me for once. I don't know for sure that anything is going to happen with this new kid, so I don't want to chance it. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens.
He held my hand the other night and that felt nice. I'm so dumb.
I don't like to talk about boys! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Now I feel like I have no filter and words are just flying out. Fml. I need help.
Yes, I am happy about this person and the way things are going. How are things going? We'll talk, hang out, and it's fun, not awkward, not anything but a bunch of friends hanging out with each other. If we don't talk for a while I'm not freaking out about it, but I do smile when my phone lights up when he texts me. If things don't work out, oh well, I really just want him to be my friend. I don't need another MIA Blue. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
So am I crazy? Of course but I've accepted it.
But am I crazy for not being too excited about having a crush? I'm still deciding.
Is it sad that I think it's too good to be true, and it's impossible for any guy to like me? Probably, but better safe than sorry. Right?
Yeah I still want Blue to come to his senses, but I'm not sitting here waiting for that. No sir!
Oh lord, guess what song just popped in my head? Thank you Disney!
"I dream is a wish your heart makes
when you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lost your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep..."
Am I dreaming? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I need to dream a happy ending and just pretend for a while. Or is that bad? Why so many questions? I told you I'm not good at this. No filter.
I need a happy ending. Maybe I need to let this other guy in a little more. I can tell he's trying and I'm just standing there smiling. I'm scared. Bite me.
I think being scared is a good thing, that way I'll always play it safe. But when the time comes to be brave I'll grab my sword and be the fighter I am. (And kick butt.) So until then I'll let Hanson take over.:)
"Let me in your heart
Give up, give out, give in is where it starts
Dreaming's not so hard
Once you've found your shooting star...."
I hate boys and I want a cookie.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
And it gets more wonderful
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Brothers and sisters. People of all ages, everywhere.
It's happened.
I'm happy.
I’m happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I can't say it enough.
I can finally look at Blues picture and not throw anything at the computer. How did this happen?
God answered my prayers. Last week made three years since I started this roller coaster with blue. I didn't even realize it until this very second. I've been praying for strength and peace of mind, and for my faith to keep holding on everyday, and now everything I've asked for has been given to me. Which means the day I get to breathe and come face to face with blue again, (when he remembers my name) is getting closer. Plus it helps that a little birdie told me that his girlfriend is suffocating him...but you didn't hear that from me. Do you want to know how this happy day came to be? I don't know if anyone is even reading this, but I'm going to explain regardless.
Yesterday was August 2, 2011. A little less than three months ago was May 3, 2011. These two dates have one thing in common. Greyson Chance.
On May 3, 2011, for me and my best friends birthday we went and enjoyed a night filled with music, fun and excitement, at the House of Blues. Our main reason was to see Cody Simpson, because we are completely in love with him and want to have his babies. (I can hear my sister now, "Wow.") It's true though. But before our Australian came out, a five foot tall boy came out on stage and started playing his piano... Then Cody came out behind him and I almost fell off the balcony...but that's not what's important.
As small as Greyson Chance was, I have never heard a voice bigger or louder. I get goose bumps from music all the time, but this kid sent chills up and down my entire body.
On august 2, 2011 he released his first album, and you know who went and picked up a copy.
It's phenomenal.
Absolutely incredible. I was speechless because this kid understands music and life. He may be younger than me but he knows what it's like to be heartbroken, but what's so inspiring is he knows how to fight to put the pieces back together. I found another fighter, and I am positively ecstatic.
The very last song, track number ten, is titled "Take A Look At Me Now" and it's all about making it. I found it. I made it. A summer of freedom and I didn't even realize I was happy again. I haven't felt this way since I met Blue. Ironic but I'll take it!
"So long to electric fences * Not much left for me to run from now * Guess I'll turn myself around * I'm putting down my defenses * These wings are gonna take me off the ground * It's freedom sweet as sound *
And I'll admit that I was wrong * And it's obvious that I'm * Finally taking my fist down"
I was a prisoner in my own stupid head because I was mad at myself. I blame myself. He has no idea what's going on and I found that hard to believe. The truth of the matter is, I'm getting upset over nothing. It's not like he's getting married to this girl. Goodness sakes he's a senior in high school who cares more about football than anything. I made myself believe I was living this tragic scene from One Tree Hill or something, and my inner Peyton came shining through because "People always leave." He left because he was 14! It wasn't my fault! Yes, it still strikes a nerve when I see his girlfriend, because of my own opinions about her, but she's innocent too. So the nasty thoughts in my head about the girl can stop. In fact I'm to the point where I can run and give her a hug, I'm so happy. I never thought I would say that. My guard has been let down, and I can sing and dance again. I missed that.
"Don't know what you get tomorrow * Not sure where I wanna go too well * Isn't that what life’s about * So long for the fear and worry * Lets go and you wont be sorry * I'll be the one that gets you out"
I don't know what's about to happen. I have a clue, but you can't always go by "feelings." Life is full of surprises, and I love surprises. I'm done with the doubt, and over all the questions and concerns, and never want to speak the words "what if," again. God has a plan, and saved me. Not from the boy, but from me. He helped me let go and move on...for now.
"And it gets more beautiful it gets more beautiful * As the sun turns into rain * And the hurt turns into shame
* And it gets more wonderful it gets more wonderful * Can you get this through your brain * That you can not lose again"
I hate to say it, but it was like I was in need of rehab, this boy sent me over the edge. Not so much him, but the fact of what he meant to me. He still holds the same place in my heart, but what's so beautiful is that I can look at him and remember how happy he made me, and not all the bad emotions. In fact even though the last time I saw him wasn't the fairy tale moment I had in mind, I still thank God that I got to see him. That's what's so wonderful. The little things. The little things matter the most. To me at least. I will say though, that I am a bit embarrassed by all the extreme reactions, and overreactions, but that showed defeat. And if you remember correctly, I'm a fighter. I WILL NOT, and choose not to lose, again:)
So I guess I have a fourth song on the list that reminds me of Blue. Only this time the song doesn't make me want to cry. It makes me want to sit down at a piano and belt it. Although, I should probably learn more piano before I attempt that.
Please listen to this album. It is awesome and truly inspirational. And because Greyson Chance helped me, I'm going to post the song to help him. Then we can all sing along together!
"Would you stop and take a look at me now
could you stop and take a look at me now
when your standing right in front of me
you're looking at the positive
there was negative
would you stop and take a look at me now"
I'm happy. But it's not over yet..................the best is still to come, and it gets more wonderful:)
"Chase the demons out tonight * You can see how fast they run * When you turn the light switch on
Take A Look At Me Now by Greyson Chance:
http://youtu.be/CTOitOqA74M
It's happened.
I'm happy.
I’m happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I can't say it enough.
I can finally look at Blues picture and not throw anything at the computer. How did this happen?
God answered my prayers. Last week made three years since I started this roller coaster with blue. I didn't even realize it until this very second. I've been praying for strength and peace of mind, and for my faith to keep holding on everyday, and now everything I've asked for has been given to me. Which means the day I get to breathe and come face to face with blue again, (when he remembers my name) is getting closer. Plus it helps that a little birdie told me that his girlfriend is suffocating him...but you didn't hear that from me. Do you want to know how this happy day came to be? I don't know if anyone is even reading this, but I'm going to explain regardless.
Yesterday was August 2, 2011. A little less than three months ago was May 3, 2011. These two dates have one thing in common. Greyson Chance.
On May 3, 2011, for me and my best friends birthday we went and enjoyed a night filled with music, fun and excitement, at the House of Blues. Our main reason was to see Cody Simpson, because we are completely in love with him and want to have his babies. (I can hear my sister now, "Wow.") It's true though. But before our Australian came out, a five foot tall boy came out on stage and started playing his piano... Then Cody came out behind him and I almost fell off the balcony...but that's not what's important.
As small as Greyson Chance was, I have never heard a voice bigger or louder. I get goose bumps from music all the time, but this kid sent chills up and down my entire body.
On august 2, 2011 he released his first album, and you know who went and picked up a copy.
It's phenomenal.
Absolutely incredible. I was speechless because this kid understands music and life. He may be younger than me but he knows what it's like to be heartbroken, but what's so inspiring is he knows how to fight to put the pieces back together. I found another fighter, and I am positively ecstatic.
The very last song, track number ten, is titled "Take A Look At Me Now" and it's all about making it. I found it. I made it. A summer of freedom and I didn't even realize I was happy again. I haven't felt this way since I met Blue. Ironic but I'll take it!
"So long to electric fences * Not much left for me to run from now * Guess I'll turn myself around * I'm putting down my defenses * These wings are gonna take me off the ground * It's freedom sweet as sound *
And I'll admit that I was wrong * And it's obvious that I'm * Finally taking my fist down"
I was a prisoner in my own stupid head because I was mad at myself. I blame myself. He has no idea what's going on and I found that hard to believe. The truth of the matter is, I'm getting upset over nothing. It's not like he's getting married to this girl. Goodness sakes he's a senior in high school who cares more about football than anything. I made myself believe I was living this tragic scene from One Tree Hill or something, and my inner Peyton came shining through because "People always leave." He left because he was 14! It wasn't my fault! Yes, it still strikes a nerve when I see his girlfriend, because of my own opinions about her, but she's innocent too. So the nasty thoughts in my head about the girl can stop. In fact I'm to the point where I can run and give her a hug, I'm so happy. I never thought I would say that. My guard has been let down, and I can sing and dance again. I missed that.
"Don't know what you get tomorrow * Not sure where I wanna go too well * Isn't that what life’s about * So long for the fear and worry * Lets go and you wont be sorry * I'll be the one that gets you out"
I don't know what's about to happen. I have a clue, but you can't always go by "feelings." Life is full of surprises, and I love surprises. I'm done with the doubt, and over all the questions and concerns, and never want to speak the words "what if," again. God has a plan, and saved me. Not from the boy, but from me. He helped me let go and move on...for now.
"And it gets more beautiful it gets more beautiful * As the sun turns into rain * And the hurt turns into shame
* And it gets more wonderful it gets more wonderful * Can you get this through your brain * That you can not lose again"
I hate to say it, but it was like I was in need of rehab, this boy sent me over the edge. Not so much him, but the fact of what he meant to me. He still holds the same place in my heart, but what's so beautiful is that I can look at him and remember how happy he made me, and not all the bad emotions. In fact even though the last time I saw him wasn't the fairy tale moment I had in mind, I still thank God that I got to see him. That's what's so wonderful. The little things. The little things matter the most. To me at least. I will say though, that I am a bit embarrassed by all the extreme reactions, and overreactions, but that showed defeat. And if you remember correctly, I'm a fighter. I WILL NOT, and choose not to lose, again:)
So I guess I have a fourth song on the list that reminds me of Blue. Only this time the song doesn't make me want to cry. It makes me want to sit down at a piano and belt it. Although, I should probably learn more piano before I attempt that.
Please listen to this album. It is awesome and truly inspirational. And because Greyson Chance helped me, I'm going to post the song to help him. Then we can all sing along together!
"Would you stop and take a look at me now
could you stop and take a look at me now
when your standing right in front of me
you're looking at the positive
there was negative
would you stop and take a look at me now"
I'm happy. But it's not over yet..................the best is still to come, and it gets more wonderful:)
"Chase the demons out tonight * You can see how fast they run * When you turn the light switch on
Take A Look At Me Now by Greyson Chance:
http://youtu.be/CTOitOqA74M
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Belch
I know what you're thinking. Why is the title named after a burping? Well you see I can't burp, belch or produce gas our of my throat at all. I'd make my grandma proud for sure, but you know sometimes I would just love to let out a nice burp and feel some sort of relief. Like a good "ahhhh" and go on like nothing happened.
Let me explain....
It's been almost a month since I've "taken a break" from sir no name... I think I should have a nickname for him to make it easier. Kinda like BIG on Sex and the City but less weird because I have no clue, nor do I want to know what that nickname stands for. So from here on we shall dub him.........blue. After my favorite color and obviously favorite topic of writing.
Anyhoo.
So almost a month since I've given up on "Blue" and I will say it's been pretty chill. I mean I am always reminding myself that I have to push through the hard days and distract myself from thoughts of him. Sometimes it works but a lot of the time it doesn't and that's just my life. But then I thought about something that was very comforting in a way. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this, because I'm more than sure there are others, confused and frustrated like me, because a certain someone just doesn't get it yet. A constant battle to maintain our sanity. War's aren't fun. Especially when you're in the middle of it.
I'm in love with John Mayer.
I literally get goosebumps every time I hear him sing. His voice has this sense of soul and passion that is indescribable, and makes me want to be a better musician with each note I hear. I.LOVE.HIM. And as I'm on my vacation from life, at the beach sitting under the sun getting rid of my famers tan, I turned on the tunes and let his voice rain in my brain. I may be that fan who loves all of his songs equally, but the number one on my list (at the moment because it changes every week) is "War of my Life."
"I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there's nowhere to run"
I gotta know right now
which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet,
then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name"
Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I'm not running,
and I'm not scared,
I am waiting,
And well prepared."
Let me explain....
It's been almost a month since I've "taken a break" from sir no name... I think I should have a nickname for him to make it easier. Kinda like BIG on Sex and the City but less weird because I have no clue, nor do I want to know what that nickname stands for. So from here on we shall dub him.........blue. After my favorite color and obviously favorite topic of writing.
Anyhoo.
So almost a month since I've given up on "Blue" and I will say it's been pretty chill. I mean I am always reminding myself that I have to push through the hard days and distract myself from thoughts of him. Sometimes it works but a lot of the time it doesn't and that's just my life. But then I thought about something that was very comforting in a way. I know I'm not the only one dealing with this, because I'm more than sure there are others, confused and frustrated like me, because a certain someone just doesn't get it yet. A constant battle to maintain our sanity. War's aren't fun. Especially when you're in the middle of it.
I'm in love with John Mayer.
I literally get goosebumps every time I hear him sing. His voice has this sense of soul and passion that is indescribable, and makes me want to be a better musician with each note I hear. I.LOVE.HIM. And as I'm on my vacation from life, at the beach sitting under the sun getting rid of my famers tan, I turned on the tunes and let his voice rain in my brain. I may be that fan who loves all of his songs equally, but the number one on my list (at the moment because it changes every week) is "War of my Life."
"I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there's nowhere to run"
Good news is I'm not out of time:) Bad news is THIS SUCKS.
To all my other "fighters" doesn't it just make you angry knowing you know? Like why you? Why me? Can't it just be like the typical romantic comedy where two friends reunite and realize they can't live without each other? Of course not. Because it's more complicated and a test of faith to see if you're really in it to win it. So far I'm in the inzone and he's all the way across town on another field out of bounds. Typical. And the blood pressure rises.
"I've got a hammer,
And a heart of glassI gotta know right now
which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn't killed me yet,
then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name"
My best friend who lives far far away sleeps with a hammer for specific reasons. That would have been nice to know when I came for a visit and rolled over on it one night. But I can tell you what I would like to do with that hammer. I would love to smash some walls. I swear I'm not crazy because I don't have a pocket full of pills, thank God, but it is painful. Sad too. I'm pathetic. Agh.
But it's weirdly enjoyable at that same time.
I must be crazy. Where are the pills?
No no no no no no I'm not, you just have to remember to find the good in everything. Even at dramatic times like this. "No more suffering, no more pain, never again" Us fighters wish it were that easy. But you just think about silly things, or drink a glass of water because by the time you get the glass to drink out of, you're already preoccupied. So score one for us.
I'm still fighting. Still waiting. Still an emotional wreck on the inside, and still on a break. Sure I may take this time to vent, but it's helpful. Like a nice burp.
I burped three times in one hour today. No it wasn't my first burp in my life, but it was the most it had ever happened. I was more than excited. My father asked me to stop. Usually I'm asking him to control his gas. Overall I finally got to feel that relieved feeling. Not just the burping, but I can breathe now, because my mind is almost at peace. This break may go on longer than this summer, because I'm enjoying life a little but more each day. In fact I took three naps today. I haven't slept better in my life because I was too busy thinking of the past. Take it from someone who hardly ever catches a break, breaks are good. Get your mind off of it. Eat some Coco Pebbles and let out a nice burp. YOU WILL LOVE IT.
I'm ready for the fight everyday. Bring it on Blue because I'm ready for whatever you want to hit me with. And my other fighters, fight on. Everyone. Because John Mayer is awesome.
"Come out angels,
Come out ghosts,Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I'm not running,
and I'm not scared,
I am waiting,
And well prepared."
Well prepared. Ahhhhhhhhh. Relief.
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