It's been an eventful week. A good week nonetheless, but my brain won't shut off. .
I'm officially a football fan. My high school team is making a come back, finally. I understand where all the enthusiasm comes from now, and loveeeeeeeeeeee being on that field.
Last Thursday, so that was like September 15, I was working the JV football game and having a blast. But I was nervous. Blue's girlfriend was one of the cheerleaders and he apparently comes and watches her...or did this one time but everyone decided to let me know just in case it happened again. Love my friends but really? I was doing so good!
He didn't show up. And I was very happy about that.
I wasn't ready to see him. Even though I would love to have another five second "Hi, how are you? How's school? Good seeing you!" conversation with him, I want more than that. I want more conversations. An actual conversation. I miss the inside jokes, the Facebook comments where he would write funny things and I would have this stupid smile on my face for days. I miss being his friend. And I'm glad he didn't show his face at the game. I mean it's not like he missed anything, because his girly friend looked scared to death of standing in front of people, and could possibly break in half at any second because she's stick skinny. Of course I would have loved to watch that but that mean judgmental person is behind me!
I had fun at the game. I spent the night with one of my closest friends, hung out with that player I have a tiny crush on, and my best friend came and surprised me. And we won. Plus I said hi to this cute player I had a massive crush on last year. I looked like a fool but it made my night cause he smiled back with his chipped tooth and mouth full of Italian Ice. He's much cuter than he sounds.
I'm sure it sounds like I'm boy crazy, but I'm not. I get crushes all the time but I never do anything about them. And you wanna know why? You should already know because I've been repeating myself in every post so far, but if ya don't it's because of Blue.
I kept myself from being more than friends from any guy because none of them had what I wanted. I wanted Blue. Plain and simple. Now my head is spinning because I have a crush on someone else and I'm not afraid of it. Or him.
The radio is my BFF. I was running and errand a few days ago and heard a once popular song by the artist Ne-Yo. It's one of those songs where you're supposed to be sad when you hear it but it gave me closure. For real I can't stop listening to it.
"And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?"
I found myself paranoid about the game last Thursday, because I knew how I would react to seeing him. I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted to see him, and I sound like a drug addict. Lord help us. It's all in my head. The more I worry about something the bigger a deal I make it, and usually the bigger the disappointment. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him that night. Call me a pessimist but it was too easy. I've stopped getting my hopes up about anything. I'm tired of being disappointed, because I actually want to be happy. But I put myself in these moods because I miss him and that's when my brain won't shut off. That's when I start to obsess and when everything I do, hear or think about, reminds me of him. I don't want to let him go, but I have to move on for now. So that's what I'm going to do...again. I've been trying but it's harder than it sounds. Understand the lyrics? I've never even had a break up before and this is killing me. Just be glad I'm not on crazy pills.
"So fed up with thoughts of you and your memory
And how every song reminds me of what use to be"
I don't think those lines need explaining.
I really don't mean to sound so negative but this is what my mind has been consumed with for years now. Only these days my thoughts are making me turn into that sad girl who walks around feeling numb all the time. We don't want to go back there. Do not enter.
I know I said it before, but it's time I stop. The last straw. One relapse and that does it. I'm tired of being, well tired.
I'm bored.
I want some excitement gosh darn it!
Maybe this crush will go somewhere. I actually kind of want it to. But that's a work in progress. We'll see. Like I said, I can't get my hopes up, because honestly with my luck it's too good to be true. But so far so very good!
I found out I'm not the only one thinking or "fighting." My best friend has been dating the same guy since our freshman year of high school. A very good, simple relationship. It's obvious they care about each other but she's not sure he's the one. Understandable. But she's stuck because she doesn't want to make the wrong decision and risk losing him all together.
Part of me wants to slap her and scream "Are you crazy!? Do you know how lucky you are?!" But that wouldn't help anyone.
I've always been a little jealous of her relationship because it's what I wanted with Blue. I guess her boyfriend isn't her Blue? Blue is pretty much one of a kind. And stupid. I hate him. Anyway... at least I know what I want and what I have to do. She's still deciding.
I have another good friend who is basically me in another body. I thought I was the most innocent teenager on the face of the planet, until I met her. She and I have the same values and beliefs when it comes to how we live our lives. She doesn't date because she is strong enough in her faith that God already has someone for her. But that doesn't mean she's never liked anyone. She probably has the cutest high school crush ever going on right now. She and one of my guy friends REALLY like each other, and it's one of the first guys who is genuine about his feelings towards her. She told him strait up that they can't date, and the boy simply told her, "I respect you, and will always care about you because you're worth it." Adorable? She wishes she could give in, but she knows it wouldn't be right. She texted me Saturday around midnight frantic, because they held hands. I understand her freak out because the first time I held hands with the guy I like my heart was beating so fast I was worried everyone could hear it. I'm convinced that reaction is normal.
I understand why my friend his happy, but I understand more why she's frustrated. We have to move on with our lives as happy as the person makes us.
The three of us girls are young, so we pretty much have all the time in the world to worry about boys. I think I'll take a break from this nonsense. My brain needs a time out. I know, I already said I would move on and that I was "free" of all things Blue, but I had a slip. I guess I wasn't prepared to have a chance to see him so soon. He just knows how to ruin everything. I'd say I'm prepared now. I'll keep a small look out during games, and when we meet face to face I'll tell him what I've been dying to say to him," What's your name again?"
Bam.
"It's been months and for some reason I just can't get over us
And I'm stronger than this
Enough is enough
No more walking around with my head down
I'm so over being BLUE
Crying over you"
No more tears. No more anger. No more anything. I'm not done with him though. Who else would I write about? There's another JV game this week.........where are the crazy pills...........
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Any Other Way
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
Two more years until its fixed.
The rules of the game changed.
Three years of waiting.
An incomplete pass and the game was over.
More questions than answers = straight panic.
What happened to the fun?
Three years of waiting and so on.
I went to a concert about two weeks ago. It was fantastic. There's this thing called reggae and I thought it was what people listen to when they're inhaling bad things that smell like garbage, but its not. It's, well fantastic. I went to see Matisyahu who's Jewish, and he was great but I'm obsessed with his opening act. His name is Trevor Hall and he's like the real deal. I'm not making any sense am I? Back up.
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
I like football. Or football players. Either way I went to a game last Friday and we lost. It was a heartbreak because we should have won. Guess why we lost. Well you're wrong.
We lost because the team has a reputation to live up to and another reputation to kill. My high school used to be known for its great football team. Last year we only won five games out of like 16. That's the rep they're trying to kill if you were wondering. They're too distracted by trying to out do one another instead of focusing as a team. Which is bad.
It was a tied game until the third quarter, when we were down by two. Then we scored during the last three minutes of the game, and all we needed was one more touchdown to tie it up and go into over time. The quarter back threw it to our wide receiver and he missed the catch. There was one minute and 43 seconds left on the clock.
I bet that wide receiver wished that play went a completely different way.
Two more years until its fixed.
I know someone who has some health issues. To be honest I don't really know what's going on because I'm afraid to ask. It's my mom. She's okay, just a little freaked because she has to wait two years before the issue can be fixed. My dad doesn't really know what to do. So he gets mad, which doesn't help. Obviously.
My mom got mad at me the other day. Not too sure why and in all honesty I really mean that. She just went on this rant and I was so confused. Then she pulled the death card. I love my mom and I can't imagine what's she going through which is sad and scary, but the only frustrating part to me is she doesn't want to talk to me about it. That can have its pros and cons. The pro is it helps with the worry and things of that nature, but you can't not tell me and then expect me to understand. Which she knows I don't understand but that day when she got mad at me and started with the "What if I wasn't here? You would be fine if I was gone! It wouldn't phase you one bit," that made me mad because that's not fair.
I still don't know what I did to make her freak out, but why would she say that? I feel bad though. She's scared and really worried about us, because she doesn't know what to say. Doctors keep telling her more and more stuff, which are some answers but she's still worried. I mean wouldn't you be?
My mom didn't ask for this. No one does. I'm sure the question "Why me?" has slipped out more than once.
The rules of the game changed.
So I love football and volunteer with my old high school's team.............it's not as fun as it use to be. We got a knew athletic trainer and she's kind of a big fat B word. But I'm nice and bite my tongue. It's like everything has changed, and I'm not the best with changing something that was already working out. It's like changing how you make chocolate chip cookies. Why would you do that? I mean if it tastes good leave it alone!
Now there's a difference between room for improvement and changing everything you can get your hands on. The new lady went with the second option. NOT OKAY. And the frustrating part is you can't say anything because she's in charge. Gag.
She yelled at me today. Again. But this time she was questioning my motives. If you know me, which you don't, but if you did you would know I love volunteering with my team, and helping out and being surrounded my some of my closest friends. I won an award for it last year. Does she care? No. If you so much as walk in the shade she will lose her marbles. Her ugly marbles. Guess what I did and guess who lost her marbles. Telling me my heart's not in that team is like telling a mother she hates her child. I wanted to punch a heffer. Why you gotta be so mean?
I wish they hired someone else and it was all like it use to be.
Well you know what? Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for sure and no I don't always like it. But I don't have a choice. And it's that way for a reason because if it were my decision I would be filthy rich for no reason, and eat bread without getting bloated, and be able to fly. But that's selfish thinking.
"As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning"
What am I saying?
Trevor Hall is a reggae singer who has sexy dreads, and gave me some peace of mind. Would I really change the way things are? Would you? Yeah my life sucks 98% of the time, and that's the honest truth. But there's worse that could happen.
The first verse up there ^ is talking about feeling like a fool because everything falling to pieces and how it's not really effecting him. Or is it affect? Either way those two words are stupid. Then he goes on...
"Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
Guess you win
I thought of you this morning"
He's thinking about someone. They made a really good impression on him. Yeah that happened to me once. Three years ago. I met this guy who I can't talk about now because he makes me angry, but I think about him constantly because I'm in love with him, and that's all I got to say about that. But I said bye to Blue a few months ago. I guess he won which meant I lost right? Psh please. Everything happens to for a reason remember.
"Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read above my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my song
I've realized that none of it went wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?"
Some of my favorite lyrics ever I believe.
I talked to the wide receiver after the game. The quarter back wasn't supposed to throw that pass to him. So they tried the play again. This time the QB purposely threw it to him and he caught it. We still lost but he got his chance at redemption. And that was all he needed to feel like a winner. Well that last line sounded like straight cheese but you understand. He told me he wouldn't change anything because one game didn't mean anything. "We got 16 left we're going all the way to the ship!" (Championship) Optimistic people go first in my book:)
"Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
Guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning"
My moms really scared. But she knows everything will be okay. So do I. So what we're poor! So what we yell at each other! So what? That's what makes my family us. It wouldn't be the same without all that jazz. I'm sure another truck will come back and hit us. At least we've got the pillows ready for some padding.
And as for that mean lady... I'm avoiding her. It would take a dinosaur eating me to get me away from that team. As long as I got them I'm happy:)
And as for Blue, I already set myself free of him. Honestly I'm glad things are the way they are. You do you and imma do me. Chains are off and I'm having a jolly time roaming. He's still always in my head but God is always with me giving me strength. So I guess you lose Blue baby! Even though you didn't know you were in the game........but you still lose. Or its a tie. Or I quit playing. Or I need a time out.
Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
Two more years until its fixed.
The rules of the game changed.
Three years of waiting.
An incomplete pass and the game was over.
More questions than answers = straight panic.
What happened to the fun?
Three years of waiting and so on.
I went to a concert about two weeks ago. It was fantastic. There's this thing called reggae and I thought it was what people listen to when they're inhaling bad things that smell like garbage, but its not. It's, well fantastic. I went to see Matisyahu who's Jewish, and he was great but I'm obsessed with his opening act. His name is Trevor Hall and he's like the real deal. I'm not making any sense am I? Back up.
1 minute and 43 seconds left in the fourth quarter.
I like football. Or football players. Either way I went to a game last Friday and we lost. It was a heartbreak because we should have won. Guess why we lost. Well you're wrong.
We lost because the team has a reputation to live up to and another reputation to kill. My high school used to be known for its great football team. Last year we only won five games out of like 16. That's the rep they're trying to kill if you were wondering. They're too distracted by trying to out do one another instead of focusing as a team. Which is bad.
It was a tied game until the third quarter, when we were down by two. Then we scored during the last three minutes of the game, and all we needed was one more touchdown to tie it up and go into over time. The quarter back threw it to our wide receiver and he missed the catch. There was one minute and 43 seconds left on the clock.
I bet that wide receiver wished that play went a completely different way.
Two more years until its fixed.
I know someone who has some health issues. To be honest I don't really know what's going on because I'm afraid to ask. It's my mom. She's okay, just a little freaked because she has to wait two years before the issue can be fixed. My dad doesn't really know what to do. So he gets mad, which doesn't help. Obviously.
My mom got mad at me the other day. Not too sure why and in all honesty I really mean that. She just went on this rant and I was so confused. Then she pulled the death card. I love my mom and I can't imagine what's she going through which is sad and scary, but the only frustrating part to me is she doesn't want to talk to me about it. That can have its pros and cons. The pro is it helps with the worry and things of that nature, but you can't not tell me and then expect me to understand. Which she knows I don't understand but that day when she got mad at me and started with the "What if I wasn't here? You would be fine if I was gone! It wouldn't phase you one bit," that made me mad because that's not fair.
I still don't know what I did to make her freak out, but why would she say that? I feel bad though. She's scared and really worried about us, because she doesn't know what to say. Doctors keep telling her more and more stuff, which are some answers but she's still worried. I mean wouldn't you be?
My mom didn't ask for this. No one does. I'm sure the question "Why me?" has slipped out more than once.
The rules of the game changed.
So I love football and volunteer with my old high school's team.............it's not as fun as it use to be. We got a knew athletic trainer and she's kind of a big fat B word. But I'm nice and bite my tongue. It's like everything has changed, and I'm not the best with changing something that was already working out. It's like changing how you make chocolate chip cookies. Why would you do that? I mean if it tastes good leave it alone!
Now there's a difference between room for improvement and changing everything you can get your hands on. The new lady went with the second option. NOT OKAY. And the frustrating part is you can't say anything because she's in charge. Gag.
She yelled at me today. Again. But this time she was questioning my motives. If you know me, which you don't, but if you did you would know I love volunteering with my team, and helping out and being surrounded my some of my closest friends. I won an award for it last year. Does she care? No. If you so much as walk in the shade she will lose her marbles. Her ugly marbles. Guess what I did and guess who lost her marbles. Telling me my heart's not in that team is like telling a mother she hates her child. I wanted to punch a heffer. Why you gotta be so mean?
I wish they hired someone else and it was all like it use to be.
Well you know what? Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for sure and no I don't always like it. But I don't have a choice. And it's that way for a reason because if it were my decision I would be filthy rich for no reason, and eat bread without getting bloated, and be able to fly. But that's selfish thinking.
"As I walk on down
I feel like a clown
In a circus of my own
Oh my cover is blown
Feel like I got a heart made of tin
I thought of you this morning"
What am I saying?
Trevor Hall is a reggae singer who has sexy dreads, and gave me some peace of mind. Would I really change the way things are? Would you? Yeah my life sucks 98% of the time, and that's the honest truth. But there's worse that could happen.
The first verse up there ^ is talking about feeling like a fool because everything falling to pieces and how it's not really effecting him. Or is it affect? Either way those two words are stupid. Then he goes on...
"Well I sleep into a state
As I awake
Well I start to find
That I can't get your smoke out of my eyes
I guess I lose
Guess you win
I thought of you this morning"
He's thinking about someone. They made a really good impression on him. Yeah that happened to me once. Three years ago. I met this guy who I can't talk about now because he makes me angry, but I think about him constantly because I'm in love with him, and that's all I got to say about that. But I said bye to Blue a few months ago. I guess he won which meant I lost right? Psh please. Everything happens to for a reason remember.
"Well I think about all the other ways I could've played
All the other simple moves I could've made
All the other cards that I could've dealt
All the books I didn't read above my shelf
All the other ways I could've sung my song
I've realized that none of it went wrong
It was all play
How could it be any other way?"
Some of my favorite lyrics ever I believe.
I talked to the wide receiver after the game. The quarter back wasn't supposed to throw that pass to him. So they tried the play again. This time the QB purposely threw it to him and he caught it. We still lost but he got his chance at redemption. And that was all he needed to feel like a winner. Well that last line sounded like straight cheese but you understand. He told me he wouldn't change anything because one game didn't mean anything. "We got 16 left we're going all the way to the ship!" (Championship) Optimistic people go first in my book:)
"Now that the chains are off
I'm free to roam
Everywhere I go
I feel like I'm home
Nothing hides
Everything is shown
She is always with me
I'm never alone
Guess you lose
I guess I win
I thought of you this morning"
My moms really scared. But she knows everything will be okay. So do I. So what we're poor! So what we yell at each other! So what? That's what makes my family us. It wouldn't be the same without all that jazz. I'm sure another truck will come back and hit us. At least we've got the pillows ready for some padding.
And as for that mean lady... I'm avoiding her. It would take a dinosaur eating me to get me away from that team. As long as I got them I'm happy:)
And as for Blue, I already set myself free of him. Honestly I'm glad things are the way they are. You do you and imma do me. Chains are off and I'm having a jolly time roaming. He's still always in my head but God is always with me giving me strength. So I guess you lose Blue baby! Even though you didn't know you were in the game........but you still lose. Or its a tie. Or I quit playing. Or I need a time out.
Either way, I wouldn't have it any other way:)
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