I'll have a Blue Christmas without you. I don't want that.

"Well maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
These next few lines cause they're directed at you."- Jack Johnson

This is all your fault. Rock bottom is only a few miles away. I was cleaning today, listening to music. I had to turn the music off and set my iPod down and walk away, because I was furious. I don't enjoy music anymore. Playing guitar used to be the only thing that cheered me up, because it was something I knew I could do, and do well. I play once a week now, and it's all your fault. This is all your fault. All of those days I would wake up in a bad mood because I had a dream about you, a dream about what life was like when I knew you. Now I wake up and only get out of bed because I don't want to starve. I don't know where you get off making my life so miserable. Who gave you the right to ruin absolutely everything about me? You've taken everything. My smiles, my happy memories, my courage, my patients, my happiness, and now my music. All you had to do was say goodbye, and this mess wouldn't be here. But instead you decided to linger in the back of my head with ideas that I missed out on something great. What's so great about you? So far I haven't seen anything so "great." In fact I haven't seen anything. Are you enjoying this? Well I'm done. It's over. I can't do this anymore. I'm done feeling sorry, I'm done feeling depressed. I'm done. It's all your fault. I tried. I tried everything. I was your friend. I gave you advice. You called me perfect. Don't ever say that to me again. You don't deserve it. I do. It's my turn to be happy. It's my turn to feel everything you've felt. It's your turn to feel what I've felt. Alone.  Tired. Confused. Unwanted. Angry. It really does ruin everything. Everything. You're no different from everyone else. You don't want to change. You're not making any effort. You're only making things worse. So go ahead, have your fun. Make the wrong decisions. Again. Go far away and enjoy your life. I don't care. I don't care about you anymore, and it's all your fault.


This should be framed in my room for me to recite everyday.
But in all honesty, it's all a lie. Bet you saw that one coming.

I feel bad. I've been thinking a lot lately about my faith. This isn't the way things are supposed to be. I mean this is how things between Blue and I are supposed to be, but not between me and God. He's supposed to be the center of everything. He's supposed to be my everything, my obsessions, my concerns about making and impression on. Not Blue.

I heard a song the other day. I'm getting really tired of wanting to cry when I'm listening to music. This sounds so pathetic...it was a Christmas song by Justin Bieber. At first I thought of Blue, but when I listened to it again I thought of my relationship with God. I've been so busy thinking about "where is Blue?!" and " why is this taking so long!?" when I should have been trying to be a better Christian. Christmas is usually a competition with me, who gets more gifts, what big thing should I ask for this year, but I didn't ask for anything this year. In fact it was really hard for me to think of a gift when my mom asked. I hope that's a sign of maturity. I've been saying how I wish I knew what it was like to have someone who cared, someone who would never leave me, someone I never questioned if they loved me or not. I have all of that. My God loves me. He's always been here for me. I feel terrible because this should have been a bigger awakening for me, and not something I realized coming home from Walmart, but thank the Lord it happened in general. Lord God I am so sorry I am the way I am. I'm so sorry I've taken your gift of music for granted, ignoring the talents you've given me to worship you. It's all my fault. This Christmas will be different. Instead of being jealous that my siblings got more, I'l be excited we're together. Instead of being annoyed by all the toys left everywhere by my nieces, I'll be happy they got the best Christmas ever. I am not alone. I'm surrounded by God's love. Let's face it God's my boyfriend. Be jealous. But seriously, it's time to change. I have to set an example, and not make my father roll his eyes because I was drawing during church again. I could never say such harsh words like those to Blue, or anyone. I could never lie like that. That's not God's plan. And even though I'm still trying to figure out what God's plan is with me and Blue, it's what's making my relationship stronger with God, and it's only the beginning.This is going to be a merry merry merry Christmas. Bet you never thought this girl could get so spiritual? I want to feel safe again. I want to feel happy again. I miss music. I miss that feeling of wanting to learn songs, and pretending I'll be famous one day because I'm awesome. Oh my imagination. It's just another one of those things God gave me.:)

"And I'm sorry if I pushed you away.
Cause I need you here and I want you to know.
And I don't care, if I don't get anything all I need is you here right now.
And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I know that all I want it you this Christmas."

I'm tearing up as we speak.

Bieber why do you always do this?

Every fighter needs a protector. I thank God for that. Merry Christmas:)
http://youtu.be/Vk0r_mq4O6Q

Standing on chairs, and forgetting how to speak. The things I do for hope.

Before you start reading, click the link below and fast forward to 1:14 and listen. You can stop it whenever, just make sure you listen to the verse.

http://youtu.be/q8BPBzXkK88


Welcome back!
Okay so you're either thinking:
1. This is so sad.
2. Oh Lord.
3. W.t.fudge.
4. I don't want to read anymore because this girl does nothing but whine and complain about some guy. GET A LIFE.


Just so you know. That song has nothing to do with what I want to talk about. You're so welcome:)
Actually I heard that song and was even like, "Oh God please tell me I don't sound like this." So let me just apologize now if I have ever, or ever will sound like a depressed cat lady. I'M SO SORRY.

It's final time. I suck at taking tests. If school did not involve tests I could have graduated college five years ago I'm sure. But we live in a time where mean old people make it almost impossible to pass a algebra test because they give you questions like this.....

((7x-2)^(1/3))^3 + ((7x+5)^(1/3))^3 = (3)^3

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS

I'm sure everyone knows how to solve something like that, but I would rather gently massage my eyes with a cactus.

But even though I'm spending most of my week studying, I am in high spirits. No, I'm not pretending to be happy or faking the smile, because I have no reason to. Sadly, Blue is still invisible. Correction, I'm still invisible to Blue, and that means I have to continue waiting on the day when God wants us to pick back up on our Facebook conversation, talking about ties. Don't ask. But everyone waits for something, like for finals to be over, or the last day of school before Christmas break, or meeting their favorite band.....I met Hanson. ME. ME. ME. ME. ME. I.MET.HANSON. HOLY COW. 

See? God gives you blessings when you wait. 

When I was 13, my guitar teacher took me home from church one day and we listened to Hanson on the way. I forgot all about MMMBop. I loved it. Again. I was only 4 when MMMBop was popular, but that means nothing to me. Yes, I'm a very dedicated, obsessed, in love with every song, fan. But for one reason.

Hanson stands for one thing. Hope. They want everyone to know that there is hope for anything. If you're sick, poor, lost, ect. They get it. Because they started broke, little, not taken seriously, but they knew what they were capable of. Cheesy? Yes. But I love my cheesy motivation, and Hanson has not only been a huge part of me wanting to be a musician, but they give me hope sometimes too.  

Since I was 13, I've wanted to be breathing the same air as these three fellows. Well I got my chance. I went to a pet festival (Pet-a-palooza) and they were the headlining musicians. I stood up against a fence for nine songs. (I knew all the words.) Then they let everyone in the V.I.P. $45 a ticket, area, and I couldn't feel my feet. But they were running nonetheless, but all the other scary, large, you should not be wearing shorts EVER, fans gravitated to the standing section in front of the stage behind all the chairs. I, being a genius, did not go near that area. I stood on the second chair in the first row, about four feet taller than everyone else, with a perfect view of the stage. Complete eye contact with each Hanson brother, and a smile from Zac Hanson, (the drummer) and then I really couldn't feel my feet. Afterwards, I waited for 30 minutes in the freezing wind for autographs, and forgot how to say "Can I have a picture." It came out like "Ca...uhh cuh...an....me....take...uhh...puhh...leasee..pic...ture?" Well I got them gosh darn it and they are beautiful. 

I am so sorry if you don't care about any of this, but here's my point. That song I had you listen to before reading all this nonsense, is not the song I want to sing, ever. Instead I'd rather sing Hanson, because they sing about what again? Hope.

"Cause I know that you've been thinkin 'bout it
And I know they think you're out of your mind
All of this time
I know what you've been waiting for
You can't deny
I know that you've been waiting for this"

Now some people don't believe waiting for Blue is worth it, but I think a lot more people told me that waiting to meet Hanson wasn't worth it. They were, *cough* WRONG. I would have told you that the first day I listened to them. (Which sadly I remember.) Waiting for Blue, as painful, and boring as it is, is worth more to me than meeting famous people any day.

So hold me to this; no more sulking.
"See I'm just too scared
To tell you the truth
Cause my heart, it can't take anymore
Broken and bruised, longing for you
And I don't know what I'm waiting for

Left on the sidelines
Stuck at a red light
Waiting for my time
So just tell me
Why don't you love me?"

There's nothing wrong with talking about how you feel, but there is a HUGE problem when you make it the only thing you think about. We're doing better. Thanks Hanson for the hope message, but I give my thanks to God because he proved to me that being patient is really worth it.

"The idea of waiting for something, makes it more exciting."- Andy Warhol

"Shout it out, so everybody can hear." -Hanson

Waiting for this by Hanson:
http://youtu.be/kOxvGWwfIgs

Caution: Fragile, Will Bite Your Face Off

(This song is for all the fighters because there is hope, I promise.)

http://youtu.be/pUVxaYdgS_Q

I must be the most selfish person on the planet. My mom tells me all the time.

Is it normal to be jealous of other peoples happiness? Is it okay to be angry when everyone else gets everything YOU want?

Every single one of my friends are pairing off. One by one, there they go holding hands with a cute guy, with me standing next to them pretending that I don't care. Well, I care. At least now I do, and I have for at least a year. I wish I had a reason for the sudden change, but sadly I do not.

Now I have a friend who like all the others, is in a relationship. I should be happy, but I'm not. I keep asking myself why I'm not, and the only reason I can think of is, why her? I sound terrible. She's one of my good friends, but she's always been a little rough around the edges, and a bit of a tomboy. Believe me there is nothing wrong with that, but if someone like her can get a good guy like hers, then what's wrong with me? Is there something about me that makes me unlovable?

I really am glad that she finally found someone who makes her happy, but I've obviously reached my breaking point. So I sit here in humanities trying not to look horribly upset, because I really want to be happy for what other people have, instead of sulking in my own selfishness. I just don't understand why the more I wait for something like this to happen for me, the more obvious it appears that it's not happening. Why can't I know what it feels like to have someone care about me too?

See, selfish.

 Yes, I want no one else in the entire world but Blue to be the guy for me. But we're at different ends of the earth right now. I have a football player who I would love to be more than friends with, but I'm scared that certain family members on my side won't take the news of me liking someone else, too well. It doesn't help that my mom (as much as she loves me, and wants me to be happy) says things like "Have you talked to (Blue) lately? What are you waiting for? You know if wait too long he'll find someone else."

I've been known as the person to bite your face off when I get defensive. I don't care who you are, it happens. So I'm sure you can imagine my response to my mother, when she talks about Blue. It's gotten to the point where I have to leave the room when she brings him up, because I don't feel like crying. Yes, I'm so fragile that a sentence from my mom can push me to tears. I try to hide it, that's when I get angry. We don't want to be angry anymore.

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"

I know I'm not ugly. I know there's nothing wrong with me. But I can't help but think that it's not fair that everyone else gets to be happy, when I'm fighting for a smile everyday. I use to think of Blue when I got upset, because the thought of him made everything okay again. Now it's the opposite. I have to think of other things when I think of him. Now I found a guy who I really like, but my mom is shoving Blue down my throat. I'm about to throw up.

I want Blue really bad, but I can wait because I want the Blue God has waiting for me. I don't want to settle for a college athlete, or a rich party kid.

"I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more"

I'm more than lonely as you can see, but I have too much at risk to lower my standards for just anyone. Someone I really love told me that. I don't mind waiting. I hate it, but if it's not what I want, then I don't want it.

"I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all 
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls"

God knows when I'm sad. It's pretty obvious when I am, I'm not the best pretender. I tell myself all the time I don't care, and Blue can do whatever he wants, but saying goodbye never works. I'm back before I even left.

"Please don't try so hard to say goodbye"

So I should tell myself more often that, it's not goodbye, it's all see you soon, I promise. Optimism sounds pretty good right about now.

Sometimes I get mad at God. I keep saying, "Why me?" But I don't have it bad. I may not have it great, but I'm alive and I know I have plenty of people of who love me. In fact I have a lot of people who do. I just wish I felt like I did more often. Please forgive me, I don't want to be selfish. Deep down I'm happy for all of my friends, and I want them to have more than me because I feel no one needs to feel the way I do. Even though I'm a fighter, I hope no one else has to be.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies 
It's compromise that moves us along,
My heart is full and my doors always open 
You can come anytime you want"

I have to pretend a lot that I'm happy. I tell my friends I'm happy all the time. It's true half the time. But the feeling that I have to compromise to just barely make it, hurts. But I have to remember my time is coming, and it will all be worth it. After all I do not settle.

"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"- Maroon 5

So please handle with care, because this person is more than fragile, in fact this song made them cry. And they do bite so count your fingers.