Sweet Home Alabama

Brace yourself.

I was really excited about this post but all of the sudden my mind just went blank. This is weird because I haven't been able to shut my brain off for a good......four years? Remember how I said that July 27th would mark four years since this whole Blue sob story started? Guess what happened the on July 28th? I actually started dating someone. Four days later I broke up with him. This is my life.

This shouldn't have happened. It wasn't supposed to. But I reasoned with myself and talked myself into it, and then a few days later talked myself right out. With the help of a few very good friends. Sadly those good friends helped talk me into it too, but I don't blame them for a second.

Here's what happened. Blue has a twin. That twin knew exactly how to get me, and it worked. For a good month I was happy, but not so deep down I knew it still wasn't what I wanted. Things started to get complicated very fast, and I started to get nervous, and worried. That was a scary sentence wasn't it? This boy meant no harm, but he knew what he wanted, but little did he know so did I. But at the time I was convinced that I could do this, and I deserved it. But I forgot that I'm stupid and can't handle this stuff because it always goes back to HIM. He really does ruin everything. I'm ready to take a large piece of steel to his head a few hundred times. (Blue's head not his twin.)

It was a lot harder than it sounded to end things with this kid. But our lives were going in two very separate directions. Our "relationship" lasted a good four days and I really didn't want to end it for good, because now I'm afraid I may lose him all together, which really does break my heart. I know I've never experienced what it's like to be "in love," but I don't think you need to know that in order to know how to care for someone else more than yourself. Does that make sense? I am being completely honest when I say I was putting this kids feelings before mine, because I couldn't put him through any of my ridiculousness. It was for the best, and even though he doesn't see it at the moment, he will. I trust that God has it under control. No doubt about it.

Yes, the main reason I chose to end my record short relationship was because of Blue. There was also another reason, but all I'm going to say is he chose to take a huge step in his life, and it wouldn't have been right for me to follow. Another reason why I know God is leading me in the right direction. Only now the question is where do we go from here? Blue is in Alabama for school, and I'm 6000 miles or so away. So we do what we do best. Wait. But not in silence. I'm done just waiting for Blue to change, I ready to make the change. It's totally happening.

That good old jolly feeling is back, and I'm pretty sure it's here to stay. I know Blue won't be back tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I can't start ASAP with trying to get back in his life. You know in the non creepy, stalker, weirdo way. In fact I had a dream about Blue last night for the first time in a LONG time, and it was strangely a very happy one. Strange because his ex girlfriend was in it and I found her to be quite nice. Then again it was a dream. But the point is the old Blue is back, the Blue that made me happy when I thought about him, and I'm not worried about it or him. Certainly not worried about how I'm going to react during all this. It's going to be the same ride of course, I'll be happy at times and I'll be ready to kill him...probably at the same time. But there's nothing prayer can't fix.

Ready for my new favorite song?

"Tonight you're letting go, under the burning glow
We’re too young to hold this all on our own
All that came and went riding them by the winds
Blowing through the trees, you could feel it on your skin
Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares
Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer
Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor
there's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer"

I have to stop doing this myself. It's seriously going to do some serious damage if I let it take over everything again. And why should I keep it to myself? That's what's killing me. Every sad story that relates back to Blue, every sad memory, every bitter feeling, those are all gone. I wish I could say I was done crying over this but you try this experience for me and tell me how you handle it. If I do shed any tears I will always pray for God to take the pain away, and give me my strength back. That way one day it will be easier to stop the tears all together. 

"Nobody knows the trouble we've seen

And nobody knows the price of this dream
And nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody"

It's true. No one knows what this is like. I'm sure someone in this world probably does, but my friends and family don't even know the half of it. They don't understand the battle, or the unbelievable amount of faith and patients this takes. OR HOW MUCH IT SUCKS. 

"She wants to be free, like a runaway

Trying to believe, gonna find a way
We got just one life, tonight we’re running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway"

Don't be alarmed. I'm not running away from anything, in fact you should know I'm trying to do the exact opposite. I ended a relationship that had me running away from all my Blue troubles, but like always it caused more troubles than I ever wanted. I already set myself free of Blue, and yes it helped the pain a lot, but the biggest blessing was it showed me how much I want this. Every experience that has led up to now has proved to me that my heart is right. I'm making this decision to return to 2008, when I was 15 and met the cute shy kid behind me in the dinner line at church camp. I'm not going to turn into that bitter girl because he's lost. This is going to be the real test now, trying to break free of the past, and the emotions that came with it, and showing God that this is what I want. I'm done with the games, and I'm ready for the real thing. It's so happening. I have the biggest smile on my face right now. 

Road trip to Alabama anyone?

http://youtu.be/rzyouuhzOvA- Runaway by Mat Kearney