I always seem to find myself in these situations. It sounds like fun, sounds like something I would be good at, but then I get this uneasy feeling...always. Only this time I've decided to nip it in the bud a.s.a.p. So of course, this won't be the last time something that sounds like a good idea all the sudden stresses me out like no tomorrow, but at least we can say maturity has come into play. Fingers crossed.
Speaking of maturity have I ever explained how much I love Cody Simpson? If you only knew the half of it. I could honestly go on for days about how much I want to live happily ever after with this kid in Australia raising baby kangaroos, but let's be realistic. He's obviously going to propose to me, and we are going to move to a mansion on the beach here in Florida, own 30 cars, a vacation home in England where my roommate is Harry Styles, and every song Cody sings will be about me, and our baby kangaroos. Like duh.
But really. This week was a spectacular one, because the two years of waiting for this kids first official album was over. I've bought every EP, been to two concerts, know every song...such a tease. But I waited patiently. I seem to always be waiting for something. Answers to prayers, goals to be accomplished, anything and everything...that sounds about normal.
Okay honestly I'm avoiding talking about the main thing I've been wanting to talk about for weeks now. I like to avoid sounding like a cheese ball, or an emotional chick flick, because I laugh at all that stuff, but now I see where emotions are actually okay to have. My sister keeps telling me emotion is just a way to show you care, and that it comes from your heart. So can I let my heart speak?
Three things.
1. I love Cody Simpson. But you knew that. Why though? No it's not because he has a beautiful set of blonde hair that I want to run my fingers through, or because he has the most attractive Australian accent I've ever heard, or because he sings like an angel, looks like a gift from God, or can dance to the point where I need a doctor. (I swear I'm perfectly normal in the head) I love Cody Simpson because he had a vision, and a plan, and he didn't quit until he got what he worked years to achieve. He was patient, and I'm sure along the way their were tears, anger and frustrations, doubt, heartbreak, disappointment, all that terrible nonsense, but he knew what he wanted and he wasn't going to quit until he got what he wanted. We have similar stories. No I'm not a kid from Australia who wants to get famous and party with Justin Bieber, as awesome as that would be, that's just not my calling.
2. I love music. I've been praying, because ever since I've decided to walk away from being an athletic trainer I've felt completely lost, and have had no idea what I want to do with my life. Football season has started again, and I do miss my high school team, but not as bad as I thought I would. I've felt lately that my heart belongs in the ministry, but I wasn't sure exactly where I belonged in that area. But of course it was right in front of me the entire time. Music. That's where my heart is. The situation I found myself in had to do with working in a outreach program that worked with high school students, and building relationships with them, eventually seeing if they wanted to have their own relationship with God. They wanted to put me in charge of the music and I was thrilled. But they didn't want me to play Christian music because they thought that would turn kids away. That's where the uneasy feeling came in. I got saved through music, and my life completely changed after that. But also when they said I had to hold back from my normal music style, I thought about someone who heard my heart through playing church songs. Blue. Our first conversation was about how great of a guitar player he thought I was, and that just sent me to the moon. I believe Blue's life was changed that week, and I want to help someone like that again. So of course when I was told I couldn't do exactly what I wanted, that struck a nerve because that's not me. So I walked away.
3. I love...everything about Blue. Here's where I get cheesy. Yes we all know how I feel about this boy who I met when I was 15, and how much I want to be in his life again because God has put him in a special place in my heart, but do you really know how I feel about him? I'll tell you.
Hello, I know it's been awhile, I wonder where you are, and if you think of me sometimes, because you're always on my mind. You know I've had it rough, trying to forget you but, the more that I look around, the more I realize you're all I'm looking for. What makes you so beautiful, is you don't know how beautiful you are, to me. You're not trying to be perfect, nobody's perfect but you are, to me. It's how you take my breath away, hear the words that I don't say. I wish somehow I could say them now.
These are not my words, these are words by Carly Rae Jepson from her song called Beautiful. But these are my words. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly what my heart and mind thinks of this kid. Do I call it love? I don't know. This feeling was the feeling I had when we first met, and I can say I do love that feeling.
Can I just be cheesy a little bit more?
You got me feeling out of order, and forgetting you is like breathing in water you know, it's so good that it hurts. My friends think I'm just in love with the feeling, but they're just fools, they don't get all meaning. Let it hurt. Now I'm falling so bad, almost feels like I am flying, and love is nothing like that, so we just keep on trying. Come closer, come take over. Don't forget it, I'm yours.
Oh my gosh I love Cody Simpson.
I do believe me and the Australian have similar stories. Thank God that I can turn him on and feel like someone does understand, even if he really doesn't. I feel like I just rambled more nonsense, so I apologize, but all of this has been on my heart lately.
Two things in this world that oddly enough makes sense to me, I can't afford for them be taken away from me, and this week I feel like they almost were at the same time. If you take way my music, and my gift, you've taken away the connection I made with Blue, and the person he saw in me. I'm not of the world, I may be human, and need other peoples lyrics to explain how I feel because I can't myself, but I'm not trying to sing these songs to help someone else out, because only God can do that. And if I can't spread God's word, then I can't help anyone. Does that make sense? And yes I have to apologize for being a big cheesy ball, but I am a girl right?
Now excuse me I have to go talk to a guy about a baby kangaroo.
http://youtu.be/UNafCcd0Sh0- Beautiful by Carly Rae Jepson ft. Justin Bieber
http://youtu.be/xT-RKnh7EPQ- Torn by Cody Simpson
Friday, October 5, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sweet Home Alabama
Brace yourself.
I was really excited about this post but all of the sudden my mind just went blank. This is weird because I haven't been able to shut my brain off for a good......four years? Remember how I said that July 27th would mark four years since this whole Blue sob story started? Guess what happened the on July 28th? I actually started dating someone. Four days later I broke up with him. This is my life.
This shouldn't have happened. It wasn't supposed to. But I reasoned with myself and talked myself into it, and then a few days later talked myself right out. With the help of a few very good friends. Sadly those good friends helped talk me into it too, but I don't blame them for a second.
Here's what happened. Blue has a twin. That twin knew exactly how to get me, and it worked. For a good month I was happy, but not so deep down I knew it still wasn't what I wanted. Things started to get complicated very fast, and I started to get nervous, and worried. That was a scary sentence wasn't it? This boy meant no harm, but he knew what he wanted, but little did he know so did I. But at the time I was convinced that I could do this, and I deserved it. But I forgot that I'm stupid and can't handle this stuff because it always goes back to HIM. He really does ruin everything. I'm ready to take a large piece of steel to his head a few hundred times. (Blue's head not his twin.)
It was a lot harder than it sounded to end things with this kid. But our lives were going in two very separate directions. Our "relationship" lasted a good four days and I really didn't want to end it for good, because now I'm afraid I may lose him all together, which really does break my heart. I know I've never experienced what it's like to be "in love," but I don't think you need to know that in order to know how to care for someone else more than yourself. Does that make sense? I am being completely honest when I say I was putting this kids feelings before mine, because I couldn't put him through any of my ridiculousness. It was for the best, and even though he doesn't see it at the moment, he will. I trust that God has it under control. No doubt about it.
Yes, the main reason I chose to end my record short relationship was because of Blue. There was also another reason, but all I'm going to say is he chose to take a huge step in his life, and it wouldn't have been right for me to follow. Another reason why I know God is leading me in the right direction. Only now the question is where do we go from here? Blue is in Alabama for school, and I'm 6000 miles or so away. So we do what we do best. Wait. But not in silence. I'm done just waiting for Blue to change, I ready to make the change. It's totally happening.
That good old jolly feeling is back, and I'm pretty sure it's here to stay. I know Blue won't be back tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I can't start ASAP with trying to get back in his life. You know in the non creepy, stalker, weirdo way. In fact I had a dream about Blue last night for the first time in a LONG time, and it was strangely a very happy one. Strange because his ex girlfriend was in it and I found her to be quite nice. Then again it was a dream. But the point is the old Blue is back, the Blue that made me happy when I thought about him, and I'm not worried about it or him. Certainly not worried about how I'm going to react during all this. It's going to be the same ride of course, I'll be happy at times and I'll be ready to kill him...probably at the same time. But there's nothing prayer can't fix.
Ready for my new favorite song?
We got just one life, tonight we’re running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway"
I was really excited about this post but all of the sudden my mind just went blank. This is weird because I haven't been able to shut my brain off for a good......four years? Remember how I said that July 27th would mark four years since this whole Blue sob story started? Guess what happened the on July 28th? I actually started dating someone. Four days later I broke up with him. This is my life.
This shouldn't have happened. It wasn't supposed to. But I reasoned with myself and talked myself into it, and then a few days later talked myself right out. With the help of a few very good friends. Sadly those good friends helped talk me into it too, but I don't blame them for a second.
Here's what happened. Blue has a twin. That twin knew exactly how to get me, and it worked. For a good month I was happy, but not so deep down I knew it still wasn't what I wanted. Things started to get complicated very fast, and I started to get nervous, and worried. That was a scary sentence wasn't it? This boy meant no harm, but he knew what he wanted, but little did he know so did I. But at the time I was convinced that I could do this, and I deserved it. But I forgot that I'm stupid and can't handle this stuff because it always goes back to HIM. He really does ruin everything. I'm ready to take a large piece of steel to his head a few hundred times. (Blue's head not his twin.)
It was a lot harder than it sounded to end things with this kid. But our lives were going in two very separate directions. Our "relationship" lasted a good four days and I really didn't want to end it for good, because now I'm afraid I may lose him all together, which really does break my heart. I know I've never experienced what it's like to be "in love," but I don't think you need to know that in order to know how to care for someone else more than yourself. Does that make sense? I am being completely honest when I say I was putting this kids feelings before mine, because I couldn't put him through any of my ridiculousness. It was for the best, and even though he doesn't see it at the moment, he will. I trust that God has it under control. No doubt about it.
Yes, the main reason I chose to end my record short relationship was because of Blue. There was also another reason, but all I'm going to say is he chose to take a huge step in his life, and it wouldn't have been right for me to follow. Another reason why I know God is leading me in the right direction. Only now the question is where do we go from here? Blue is in Alabama for school, and I'm 6000 miles or so away. So we do what we do best. Wait. But not in silence. I'm done just waiting for Blue to change, I ready to make the change. It's totally happening.
That good old jolly feeling is back, and I'm pretty sure it's here to stay. I know Blue won't be back tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I can't start ASAP with trying to get back in his life. You know in the non creepy, stalker, weirdo way. In fact I had a dream about Blue last night for the first time in a LONG time, and it was strangely a very happy one. Strange because his ex girlfriend was in it and I found her to be quite nice. Then again it was a dream. But the point is the old Blue is back, the Blue that made me happy when I thought about him, and I'm not worried about it or him. Certainly not worried about how I'm going to react during all this. It's going to be the same ride of course, I'll be happy at times and I'll be ready to kill him...probably at the same time. But there's nothing prayer can't fix.
Ready for my new favorite song?
"Tonight you're letting go, under the burning glow
We’re too young to hold this all on our own
All that came and went riding them by the winds
Blowing through the trees, you could feel it on your skin
Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares
Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer
Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor
there's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer"
And nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody"
We’re too young to hold this all on our own
All that came and went riding them by the winds
Blowing through the trees, you could feel it on your skin
Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares
Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer
Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor
there's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer"
I have to stop doing this myself. It's seriously going to do some serious damage if I let it take over everything again. And why should I keep it to myself? That's what's killing me. Every sad story that relates back to Blue, every sad memory, every bitter feeling, those are all gone. I wish I could say I was done crying over this but you try this experience for me and tell me how you handle it. If I do shed any tears I will always pray for God to take the pain away, and give me my strength back. That way one day it will be easier to stop the tears all together.
"Nobody knows the trouble we've seen
And nobody knows the price of this dreamAnd nobody knows what it took to believe
Nobody"
It's true. No one knows what this is like. I'm sure someone in this world probably does, but my friends and family don't even know the half of it. They don't understand the battle, or the unbelievable amount of faith and patients this takes. OR HOW MUCH IT SUCKS.
"She wants to be free, like a runaway
Trying to believe, gonna find a wayWe got just one life, tonight we’re running all the lights
Trying to break free, like a runaway"
Don't be alarmed. I'm not running away from anything, in fact you should know I'm trying to do the exact opposite. I ended a relationship that had me running away from all my Blue troubles, but like always it caused more troubles than I ever wanted. I already set myself free of Blue, and yes it helped the pain a lot, but the biggest blessing was it showed me how much I want this. Every experience that has led up to now has proved to me that my heart is right. I'm making this decision to return to 2008, when I was 15 and met the cute shy kid behind me in the dinner line at church camp. I'm not going to turn into that bitter girl because he's lost. This is going to be the real test now, trying to break free of the past, and the emotions that came with it, and showing God that this is what I want. I'm done with the games, and I'm ready for the real thing. It's so happening. I have the biggest smile on my face right now.
Road trip to Alabama anyone?
http://youtu.be/rzyouuhzOvA- Runaway by Mat Kearney
Monday, July 2, 2012
Growing pains.
I've been getting a lot of questions lately about why I am the way I am. For example careful, safe, and basically afraid of guys. It would probably help if I explained the situation with Blue but I'm trying this new thing where I don't weird people out, or confuse the living daylights out of them.
I really hate that this blog has become nothing but me ranting about boys. I'm really not a boy crazy kind of girl. But for some reason, lately my friends have been curious as of why I'm 19 and single. Like there's nothing better to talk about. And honestly it's because Blue has seriously messed me up, scared me away from boys, and given me no confidence. And when I say scare me away, I mean I don't give any guy a chance because....basically because they're not Blue but I don't tell anyone that.
A few months ago I saw things really start to take off with getting a few steps closer to Blue. My prayers were seriously answered and I got my hopes up. Well pretty much nothing else has happened since then, but I haven't stopped praying for him, or lost faith in that God has everything under control. But this entire summer I've been avoiding something that I'm going to have to face sooner or later. Blue is moving. He's going away for school and I'm honestly afraid I won't see him for a long time. On July 27th it will be four years since I've met him, four years since I've started liking him, and four years of this ridiculous nonsense! But there have been no bad days. It's still a sensitive subject, but it probably always will be. So am I sad he's moving? Very. Am I worried? Not as much as I was when he was going to school here. Yay maturity! I keep saying this over and over, because I know God does have a plan. There is no time to waste on being worried over something that is out of your hands, and honestly I'm tired of it. But you already knew that.
Now last February I called it quits on my football player. You know that kid who seriously saved me from hiding in my room curled up in a ball because Blue was dating someone else for like the sixth time. I'm so sad sounding.
I called it quits because we were going in circles. When I first met this kid I told myself to not get my hopes up. Best advice I've ever given myself, as sad as that sounds too. Well it's a good thing I didn't get my hopes up. I just out grew him. I talked to him for the first time since February, and I was so happy I did. I always thought about how I would feel or what I would do if I saw this kid or talked to him again. I felt nothing. Thank God. The best why I can describe it is that when I first met this kid, I was just happy to have someone like me for a change, and someone who wasn't afraid to show it. It was all innocent, but then it got boring. I was fed up with being treated like a girlfriend, without actually being his girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have said yes if he asked me, but I was too pathetic to turn him lose at the time because I liked having someone like me for a change. I'M SO PATHETIC. Gosh it sounds so different saying it (writing it) out loud. But I will say I don't regret taking a chance on him. He was a great guy, and I loved hanging out with him, but people change, and he honestly didn't. I grew up, or at least am trying to get a move on and act my age, and talking to him that night gave me the final realization that moving on was the right thing to do. Love that kid to death, and it's weird to think it's over, but I'm really okay with it.
It's kinda like the song Payphone by Maroon5.
"I'm at a payphone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you.
Where has the time gone, baby it's all wrong, all of those plans we made for two."
I use to love the part that went on to say, "If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it, one more stupid love song I'll be sick." I don't believe that now. I love love songs, and sulking in my own sadness and the old cat lady tendencies do nothing but make people go, "Oh my."
As of for the answer to why I am the why I am, it's because I like to be careful, and play it safe. If I like a guy enough, or feel like I'm going to regret missing an opportunity, I'll be smart and pray about it. I can't do anything without praying about it first. I guess since Blue is leaving, I'll be praying a lot more. I guess it's appropriate to say, "Lord help us." This should be fun. Oh my.
I really hate that this blog has become nothing but me ranting about boys. I'm really not a boy crazy kind of girl. But for some reason, lately my friends have been curious as of why I'm 19 and single. Like there's nothing better to talk about. And honestly it's because Blue has seriously messed me up, scared me away from boys, and given me no confidence. And when I say scare me away, I mean I don't give any guy a chance because....basically because they're not Blue but I don't tell anyone that.
A few months ago I saw things really start to take off with getting a few steps closer to Blue. My prayers were seriously answered and I got my hopes up. Well pretty much nothing else has happened since then, but I haven't stopped praying for him, or lost faith in that God has everything under control. But this entire summer I've been avoiding something that I'm going to have to face sooner or later. Blue is moving. He's going away for school and I'm honestly afraid I won't see him for a long time. On July 27th it will be four years since I've met him, four years since I've started liking him, and four years of this ridiculous nonsense! But there have been no bad days. It's still a sensitive subject, but it probably always will be. So am I sad he's moving? Very. Am I worried? Not as much as I was when he was going to school here. Yay maturity! I keep saying this over and over, because I know God does have a plan. There is no time to waste on being worried over something that is out of your hands, and honestly I'm tired of it. But you already knew that.
Now last February I called it quits on my football player. You know that kid who seriously saved me from hiding in my room curled up in a ball because Blue was dating someone else for like the sixth time. I'm so sad sounding.
I called it quits because we were going in circles. When I first met this kid I told myself to not get my hopes up. Best advice I've ever given myself, as sad as that sounds too. Well it's a good thing I didn't get my hopes up. I just out grew him. I talked to him for the first time since February, and I was so happy I did. I always thought about how I would feel or what I would do if I saw this kid or talked to him again. I felt nothing. Thank God. The best why I can describe it is that when I first met this kid, I was just happy to have someone like me for a change, and someone who wasn't afraid to show it. It was all innocent, but then it got boring. I was fed up with being treated like a girlfriend, without actually being his girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have said yes if he asked me, but I was too pathetic to turn him lose at the time because I liked having someone like me for a change. I'M SO PATHETIC. Gosh it sounds so different saying it (writing it) out loud. But I will say I don't regret taking a chance on him. He was a great guy, and I loved hanging out with him, but people change, and he honestly didn't. I grew up, or at least am trying to get a move on and act my age, and talking to him that night gave me the final realization that moving on was the right thing to do. Love that kid to death, and it's weird to think it's over, but I'm really okay with it.
It's kinda like the song Payphone by Maroon5.
"I'm at a payphone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you.
Where has the time gone, baby it's all wrong, all of those plans we made for two."
I use to love the part that went on to say, "If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it, one more stupid love song I'll be sick." I don't believe that now. I love love songs, and sulking in my own sadness and the old cat lady tendencies do nothing but make people go, "Oh my."
As of for the answer to why I am the why I am, it's because I like to be careful, and play it safe. If I like a guy enough, or feel like I'm going to regret missing an opportunity, I'll be smart and pray about it. I can't do anything without praying about it first. I guess since Blue is leaving, I'll be praying a lot more. I guess it's appropriate to say, "Lord help us." This should be fun. Oh my.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Welcome to Breaktown
This post was meant for someone, but with the events that have recently occured, I guess it's meant for others too. My father just lost a best friend today, and all we can do is pray and show him love and support, and if it's not too much trouble I ask you pray too? You were a wonderful pastor and one of my influences in music, and we will miss, and love you more than you'll know.
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:25)
You're lying if you tell anyone you have never experienced a heartbreak, a loss, or a time of tragedy. You're also lying if you've never used the phrase "you don't understand." Although everyones life is different, everyone faces the same stuff. The only difference is how we deal with them. I'm not writing this to sound lame, because I've already mastered that, but there's no way around my cheesy words.
Not too long ago I was hit in the face with some information that still has me flipping out. That should surprise no one. Basically all I want to do is apologize.
I had no idea you were experiencing so much pain, so much heartache, so much disappointment. I guess when you're experiencing enough of your own daily disappointment you forget that there's someone else going through life too. It's also hard to understand that someone else has it much, much worse. I had no idea you knew what it was like to feel sad, heartbroken, angry, scared, and unwanted. Part of me feels so unbelievably selfish for not even caring what was happening, but the other part is still in shock. You seemed so confident, so independent and social, and nice does not even begin to describe you. I am so sorry you have experienced such tragedy and disappointment. I don't blame you for wanting to run away, or yell and scream, and I am the last person to judge anyone for crying. Trust me it helps. It honestly almost brought me to tears when I heard you were dealing with all this. Oh and you can't judge me for crying either. Now I know why you were oblivious, because you were dealing with your own frustrations and spiritual battles. I set you free because I was tired of dealing with you, and a bitter feeling took over with just one thought of you. None of that was your fault, and I'm sorry for saying it was. I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I'd be lying. I wish I could tell you it's going to be okay, but I honestly don't know. I'm sorry for that.
All I can tell you is not to worry, because it's a waste if your time. You get nothing out of it. But I don't blame you for wanting to start over, or wanting help or not wanting help. I don't blame you for being lost, or feeling like no one understands. I don't blame you for anything. So from this day forward, I would like to tell you congratulations. Welcome to the club. No, I'm not happy this is happening to you, and I'm not finding joy out of your misery, but strangely I am thanking God I now have an answer, and you do too. If there's anyone's word you can trust, trust this, it's all worth it. All of the tears, all of the anger, all of the pain you feel, it's all worth it, because it will bring you to that place of safety. That place you have been searching for is so close. You are not alone no matter how empty or numb you feel. You may have more doubts than ever at this time but you don't need them. But why should you believe me? Our journeys are different, but we feel the same thing. Helpless. Careless. Frustrated. Confused. Jealous. Nervous. Over it. Been there, maybe for different reasons, but I've been there. I am so sorry. I would not wish this on anyone. In fact this is something I hope no one has to endure. These feelings that you try to run away from by distracting yourself, but nothing you do really works, this is something I hope no one will ever know. But I think that's impossible. Everyone knows. But we can't let it win. I can't tell you why bad things happen, but I do know that you don't have to face it alone. Patients. The worst thing you can hear when dealing with poop. (Literally haha.) But I can tell you from experience, as alone and forgotten as I felt, I wasn't. God proved to me in one hour that my four years of prayers were heard. You will find your way, if you're searching, and you are. But now it's your decision to make a change, and not let all these things defeat you. It's not worth it.
Like I said, you can cry. I highly recommend it. Am I safe to say you feel like this?
"Im talking in circles
I'm lying they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?"
I'm sorry. But things are happening. Sometimes more bad than good, but those few good things will always outweigh the bad. Always. I am so sorry. But you can do this. Go ahead and cry, I'll be praying for you. I'll be seeing you soon. I promise. <3
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
http://youtu.be/CdjRmM0Q0qs
Cry by Kelly Clarkson
http://youtu.be/QB1aQlAa5Jk
Breaktown by Hanson
http://youtu.be/fBnE3WvenAs
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." (Romans 8:25)
You're lying if you tell anyone you have never experienced a heartbreak, a loss, or a time of tragedy. You're also lying if you've never used the phrase "you don't understand." Although everyones life is different, everyone faces the same stuff. The only difference is how we deal with them. I'm not writing this to sound lame, because I've already mastered that, but there's no way around my cheesy words.
Not too long ago I was hit in the face with some information that still has me flipping out. That should surprise no one. Basically all I want to do is apologize.
I had no idea you were experiencing so much pain, so much heartache, so much disappointment. I guess when you're experiencing enough of your own daily disappointment you forget that there's someone else going through life too. It's also hard to understand that someone else has it much, much worse. I had no idea you knew what it was like to feel sad, heartbroken, angry, scared, and unwanted. Part of me feels so unbelievably selfish for not even caring what was happening, but the other part is still in shock. You seemed so confident, so independent and social, and nice does not even begin to describe you. I am so sorry you have experienced such tragedy and disappointment. I don't blame you for wanting to run away, or yell and scream, and I am the last person to judge anyone for crying. Trust me it helps. It honestly almost brought me to tears when I heard you were dealing with all this. Oh and you can't judge me for crying either. Now I know why you were oblivious, because you were dealing with your own frustrations and spiritual battles. I set you free because I was tired of dealing with you, and a bitter feeling took over with just one thought of you. None of that was your fault, and I'm sorry for saying it was. I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I'd be lying. I wish I could tell you it's going to be okay, but I honestly don't know. I'm sorry for that.
All I can tell you is not to worry, because it's a waste if your time. You get nothing out of it. But I don't blame you for wanting to start over, or wanting help or not wanting help. I don't blame you for being lost, or feeling like no one understands. I don't blame you for anything. So from this day forward, I would like to tell you congratulations. Welcome to the club. No, I'm not happy this is happening to you, and I'm not finding joy out of your misery, but strangely I am thanking God I now have an answer, and you do too. If there's anyone's word you can trust, trust this, it's all worth it. All of the tears, all of the anger, all of the pain you feel, it's all worth it, because it will bring you to that place of safety. That place you have been searching for is so close. You are not alone no matter how empty or numb you feel. You may have more doubts than ever at this time but you don't need them. But why should you believe me? Our journeys are different, but we feel the same thing. Helpless. Careless. Frustrated. Confused. Jealous. Nervous. Over it. Been there, maybe for different reasons, but I've been there. I am so sorry. I would not wish this on anyone. In fact this is something I hope no one has to endure. These feelings that you try to run away from by distracting yourself, but nothing you do really works, this is something I hope no one will ever know. But I think that's impossible. Everyone knows. But we can't let it win. I can't tell you why bad things happen, but I do know that you don't have to face it alone. Patients. The worst thing you can hear when dealing with poop. (Literally haha.) But I can tell you from experience, as alone and forgotten as I felt, I wasn't. God proved to me in one hour that my four years of prayers were heard. You will find your way, if you're searching, and you are. But now it's your decision to make a change, and not let all these things defeat you. It's not worth it.
Like I said, you can cry. I highly recommend it. Am I safe to say you feel like this?
"Im talking in circles
I'm lying they know it
Why won't this just all go away?
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?"
I'm sorry. But things are happening. Sometimes more bad than good, but those few good things will always outweigh the bad. Always. I am so sorry. But you can do this. Go ahead and cry, I'll be praying for you. I'll be seeing you soon. I promise. <3
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
http://youtu.be/CdjRmM0Q0qs
Cry by Kelly Clarkson
http://youtu.be/QB1aQlAa5Jk
Breaktown by Hanson
http://youtu.be/fBnE3WvenAs
Monday, April 9, 2012
Yogurt.
Can someone please tell me why all of the nonsense that goes through my brain finally makes sense when I listen to John Mayer? And yes I'm fully aware I'm insane half the time so please don't remind me. But hear this:
"Did you know that you could be wrong and swear you're right?"
Well no duh John Mayer but once again you just helped say exactly what I couldn't. We, you who is reading this and me who is going to attempt to make sense of this, we need to discuss some things. Some good things. And can't forget the confusing because those are my favorite topics. Gag me.
I have a feeling I'm making some of you a little bit nervous. Welcome to my world. Basically I've been getting this feeling of.....cccccccrrrrrrrraaaaappppp. And I know I'm the one who keeps saying you can't go by feelings which is why I've been praying A LOT. This has nothing to do with Blue. He's still that ugly shadow that keeps haunting me and I'm ready to hit him with a hammer, but I don't cry over him anymore. Here's the real issue. I don't think the plans I made for my life are the right plans. Uh oh.
Let me (try to) explain. You know when you're a kid and you go through 30 different career changes by the time you're 12, and then once you get to high school the "adults" now a days expect you to already have your future set? Well its my second semester in college and about to be summer vacation, and I've taken a complete 180 with my future plans. Say it with me..."crap!!!!!!"
Don't be alarmed I'm staying in school and I'm still studying to be an athletic trainer, but now that's just my back up plan. It's not my main goal in life anymore.
When I was 7, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and then I got a lead roll in a school play and it was hello Broadway at age 13. Then I got to high school and I took a turn for the worst. I wanted it to be all about me. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to forget everything and everyone and make movies or sell out arenas as long as I was in the spotlight. Then I went to church camp when I was 15 and met Blue, and God gave me a sneak peek at my destiny. My junior year of high school was me just getting by because I didn't know what to think anymore. Then I joined sports medicine. Then I went to college and now I'm bored. Cool story bro. Maybe it's because I don't have football anymore or maybe it's because this career path doesn't sound as appealing anymore.
Here's what I've been praying about. Whats the plan then? What direction are we going for? What's the right thing to do? Please God just help me do your will. Well He's answering. Everyone is born with a God given talent. Something you don't have to practice but you do because you love it. It's what comes naturally. I believe that's the plan. The plan is to use what comes naturally and honor He who gave it to us. That's the right way to do it. (It's also the hardest thing to do.)
Okay if I'm not making any sense maybe this man will.
"I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
And I finally learned to let it go.
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm hoping, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over"
See, I've been saying for a almost a year now, you know since the last John Mayer post, that I'm tired of all this. I'm sick and tired of the same old thing. Like I've gotten to the point where I can't even stand to hear Blue's real name anymore. (Praying God takes away the anger too.) If I'm not making myself clear yet, I'm tired of waking up to the same routine, dealing with the same problems that aren't getting solved, and not making the best of what I have now.
I have a family that is unlike anyone else's. We are Christians. We are crazy. I wouldn't change them.
I have friends unlike anyone I've ever met. They are hilarious. They are abnormal. Definitely wouldn't change them.
I know a guy who's an idiot and wish I knew where his life is taking him. Shouldn't be a question that I would change that horrible situation.
I should be using what I have and making the best of it.
What this song is talking about is, is he is a deserving man because he's been through enough, and he's finally deciding that enough is finally enough. You can't dwell on something that you have no control over, and expect it to change just because you made a wish on a star. Save your breath and if it's meant to happen it will. I knew that all along, but that's why God gave me music, to help me understand what He's trying to tell me. He's trying to tell me that it's time to use what you have now, and turn this mess into the plan He has for me.
"Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it starts to make some love
That I can finally feel."
I don't know how to tell my parents this without them freaking out, but one step at a time. I'm not quitting on athletic training, but maybe that was just high school.
I don't know what God wants me to do with music, or anything that comes with that but if it's God's plan it's better than... this. You want to know how I know music is my true passion? Yesterday at church, of course it was Easter Sunday and my guitar string breaks, and I have to rush home to get a new string, change and tune it, within the 20 minutes before church starts. My guitar sounded terrible the whole set and I was having a complete panic attack. I was crying and trying so hard not to freak out at everyone who walked in the door. I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to anything but guitar. That's how I know it's important. How do you know the difference between your will and God's will? My will is me taking God's will and turning it into the all about me show. That's where you have to watch yourself.
Ever heard of the phrase "You Only Live Once?" otherwise known as y.o.l.o. My best friend didn't know what y.o.l.o. was short for. Her guess was yogurt. I have no clue how she came up with that conclusion but like I said I wouldn't change my friends. You only live once right? I'm not about to waste that one chance sitting on my booty, waiting on a boy who is taking the world's meaning of y.o.l.o. (And it's not yogurt.)
So thanks again John Mayer, and it only took 19 years. One step at a time. At least Blue isn't the center of attention anymore. Time to get down to business and see what God's plan really is. I don't want to be famous. I want to make an impression. A GOOD one, and by following THE plan I will. That's enough for me. I hope that made sense.
http://youtu.be/S4FC9iuftAA
Shadow Days by John Mayer
"Did you know that you could be wrong and swear you're right?"
Well no duh John Mayer but once again you just helped say exactly what I couldn't. We, you who is reading this and me who is going to attempt to make sense of this, we need to discuss some things. Some good things. And can't forget the confusing because those are my favorite topics. Gag me.
I have a feeling I'm making some of you a little bit nervous. Welcome to my world. Basically I've been getting this feeling of.....cccccccrrrrrrrraaaaappppp. And I know I'm the one who keeps saying you can't go by feelings which is why I've been praying A LOT. This has nothing to do with Blue. He's still that ugly shadow that keeps haunting me and I'm ready to hit him with a hammer, but I don't cry over him anymore. Here's the real issue. I don't think the plans I made for my life are the right plans. Uh oh.
Let me (try to) explain. You know when you're a kid and you go through 30 different career changes by the time you're 12, and then once you get to high school the "adults" now a days expect you to already have your future set? Well its my second semester in college and about to be summer vacation, and I've taken a complete 180 with my future plans. Say it with me..."crap!!!!!!"
Don't be alarmed I'm staying in school and I'm still studying to be an athletic trainer, but now that's just my back up plan. It's not my main goal in life anymore.
When I was 7, I wanted to be a veterinarian, and then I got a lead roll in a school play and it was hello Broadway at age 13. Then I got to high school and I took a turn for the worst. I wanted it to be all about me. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to forget everything and everyone and make movies or sell out arenas as long as I was in the spotlight. Then I went to church camp when I was 15 and met Blue, and God gave me a sneak peek at my destiny. My junior year of high school was me just getting by because I didn't know what to think anymore. Then I joined sports medicine. Then I went to college and now I'm bored. Cool story bro. Maybe it's because I don't have football anymore or maybe it's because this career path doesn't sound as appealing anymore.
Here's what I've been praying about. Whats the plan then? What direction are we going for? What's the right thing to do? Please God just help me do your will. Well He's answering. Everyone is born with a God given talent. Something you don't have to practice but you do because you love it. It's what comes naturally. I believe that's the plan. The plan is to use what comes naturally and honor He who gave it to us. That's the right way to do it. (It's also the hardest thing to do.)
Okay if I'm not making any sense maybe this man will.
"I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
And I finally learned to let it go.
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm hoping, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over"
See, I've been saying for a almost a year now, you know since the last John Mayer post, that I'm tired of all this. I'm sick and tired of the same old thing. Like I've gotten to the point where I can't even stand to hear Blue's real name anymore. (Praying God takes away the anger too.) If I'm not making myself clear yet, I'm tired of waking up to the same routine, dealing with the same problems that aren't getting solved, and not making the best of what I have now.
I have a family that is unlike anyone else's. We are Christians. We are crazy. I wouldn't change them.
I have friends unlike anyone I've ever met. They are hilarious. They are abnormal. Definitely wouldn't change them.
I know a guy who's an idiot and wish I knew where his life is taking him. Shouldn't be a question that I would change that horrible situation.
I should be using what I have and making the best of it.
What this song is talking about is, is he is a deserving man because he's been through enough, and he's finally deciding that enough is finally enough. You can't dwell on something that you have no control over, and expect it to change just because you made a wish on a star. Save your breath and if it's meant to happen it will. I knew that all along, but that's why God gave me music, to help me understand what He's trying to tell me. He's trying to tell me that it's time to use what you have now, and turn this mess into the plan He has for me.
"Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it starts to make some love
That I can finally feel."
I don't know how to tell my parents this without them freaking out, but one step at a time. I'm not quitting on athletic training, but maybe that was just high school.
I don't know what God wants me to do with music, or anything that comes with that but if it's God's plan it's better than... this. You want to know how I know music is my true passion? Yesterday at church, of course it was Easter Sunday and my guitar string breaks, and I have to rush home to get a new string, change and tune it, within the 20 minutes before church starts. My guitar sounded terrible the whole set and I was having a complete panic attack. I was crying and trying so hard not to freak out at everyone who walked in the door. I'm not a perfectionist when it comes to anything but guitar. That's how I know it's important. How do you know the difference between your will and God's will? My will is me taking God's will and turning it into the all about me show. That's where you have to watch yourself.
Ever heard of the phrase "You Only Live Once?" otherwise known as y.o.l.o. My best friend didn't know what y.o.l.o. was short for. Her guess was yogurt. I have no clue how she came up with that conclusion but like I said I wouldn't change my friends. You only live once right? I'm not about to waste that one chance sitting on my booty, waiting on a boy who is taking the world's meaning of y.o.l.o. (And it's not yogurt.)
So thanks again John Mayer, and it only took 19 years. One step at a time. At least Blue isn't the center of attention anymore. Time to get down to business and see what God's plan really is. I don't want to be famous. I want to make an impression. A GOOD one, and by following THE plan I will. That's enough for me. I hope that made sense.
http://youtu.be/S4FC9iuftAA
Shadow Days by John Mayer
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Blue-42
Alrighty.
Well I can honestly say this past week has been absolutely hellashis. Why do movies make it seem like it would be the worst thing ever to be trapped on a desert island? I'll take a one way ticket. Yes it has been ridiculous, but it must be normal to deal with things that serve no purpose what so ever.
I'll give you some examples.
1) Trigonometry.
Why do I need to know the height of a person compared to a building 163829 ft tall? WHO CARES! I have never been someone to walk up to a random building and think "Oh gee I wonder how much taller this skyscraper is than me? Let me take out my ruler from my butt and do some meaningless calculations, because this will really come in handy one day." YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SMALLER THAN THE GOSH DARN BUILDING. I failed my first trig test. Let's just leave it at that.
2) Body chemistry.
The definition of anatomy and physiology is the study of body parts and their relation to one another, and how they function. Last time I checked, you do not need to know that Jell-O is mixture that appears translucent or milky, in order to be an athletic trainer. Teach me where the ACL or PCL is so I know to send an athlete to the hospital when their leg is dangling from their socket! But thank you professor for defining Jell-O. I guess it's not your fault. You're older than the automobile. But I appreciate the D on the test. I can't define what membrane surrounds the parietal cavity or even what that is, but I can save your life if your heart stops and tape an ankle blindfolded. But that doesn't matter. "Trainer! Trainer! There's a bone popping out of this athletes leg! What should we do?" My response, "Step away from the athlete! I know what Jell-O is!"
3) High school drama queens.
At a very young age, I was taught to not worry about things you have no control over, because it is a waste of time. I wish others would think this way. I don't have time to hear how upset and offended you are about not being invited to a party that a good friend of MINE is throwing. I wasn't invited. Do I care? NO. Why not? Because I am too busy trying to figure out the height of that building and how to classify hormones, because someone thinks that knowing that stuff is really important. Also, if you want advice from your friend, not a random street walker, your friend, don't act like you're the only person in the world who has problems. That's a one way ticket to a slap in the hoo-ha. Stop trying to give yourself a hemorrhage by thinking of ways to change the outcome of a situation that you had no business in being associated with. Don't have a stroke, because I'm sure I'll have to learn about pudding before I learn how to treat that.
4) Clubbing.
Have we not learned I can't even say hello to a cute boy without running away? Why would I want random ones coming up to me and rubbing their dirty selves on me? I've seen Jersey Shore, don't tell me clubs are just so friends can hang out. If you want to hang out with me, let's watch the Lion King and eat cupcakes. I can give you ten names of people who would love to join me in that fun. Because I choose to take a stand on my clubbing morals, I had three friends follow in my footsteps. I wouldn't say I'm a role model, but I know my right from wrong. I love to hang out, I love to dance, I love having adventures with my friends, but not in a place filled with sloppy people, scary strangers, and surrounded by smoke. That sounds terrifying.
5) Meany-Bo-Beanies.
My sister taught me how to speak munchkin language, because mean words don't solve a problem. But we definitely had a problem this week. I've mentioned a few times how I helped out with my old football team, as an assistant athletic trainer in training. Well the annual banquet was last week, and to my surprise only a select few were invited. Now I could write an entire entry based on this topic alone, but I'm ready to put this mess behind me, so I'll just give the important details. In the two years I was in sports medicine, I served almost 2000 community service hours. The past fall, I served about 300. The only time I missed practice was because I had a 102 degree fever, and was told not to get out of bed. If you know me, you would know I would have ignored the doctor and gone to practice anyway. Why? Because for some strange reason God decided to give me the passion for athletic training. It's not for the sport, it's not for the cute athletes, and it's not to spend time with my favorite girls. It's because there are two things in this world that make me happier than ever, because I seem to be good at them. Music, and sports medicine. Sports medicine took longer to get the hang of, but it was something I wanted to be good at. The new trainer, the one I mentioned who wasn't the most pleasant person on earth, decided to not recognize any of the things I did for her this past season. And not just me, but some of the other girls too, who put a lot of time and effort into training. According to her, we were not dedicated enough to the team. But she couldn't be bothered to tell me in person, she had one of my friends text me and tell me her opinions. Was I wrong to be offended by this? No. This actually really struck a nerve. I felt completely unappreciated, unwanted, and disliked. But these feelings have been building up throughout the season, because it was like no matter what you did, her opinions about you were not going to change. She gave no reasons, she never said anything. Not even hello. Especially not thank you. Ever. Now, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I wasn't upset I couldn't go to the banquet, I was upset as of why I couldn't. I felt like she lied to me. I wasn't dedicated? I was at practice more than her. We all were. I blame her for the reason I failed my math test. But like I said, if you can't control the situation why worry about it? There will always be people like this, but good news is, you're not like them:)
During football season I did a lot of observations by the quarterback. Please ignore the fact that I just made myself sound like a total creep, but during that time I notice before every play he would yell "Blue-42!" I'm not fluent in sport terminology, so I was the typical girl who was always asking questions. I asked the quarterback, wide receivers, and coaches what "Blue-42" meant. You know what it means? Absolutely nothing. It is just another one of those things that serves no purpose what so ever. They say it just to say it. But don't yell out "Pink-63!" The whole team will get confused. Not sure why if it serves no purpose?
I'm not sure why God is telling me to stick with Blue out of all people. It would seem that Blue is serving no purpose. ("Blue-42!") But that's completely false. I don't understand why college is so difficult ("Blue-42!), but as long as it's keeping me from being poor and living with my parents for the rest of my life, I'll suck it up with a straw. I will never understand why people are the way they are ("Blue-42!), maybe it's a test. Proof of what not to do. Over all, this whole Blue thing is beyond words. I can't even begin to describe how pointless I feel it is at times. However, there's that great saying that everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for your life although you may not see it yet.
I don't understand why I do half the things I do.
Why do I like lemons so much?
Why do dance around in my undies singing in a hairbrush at 18?
Why do I suck at all things numbers and can write a paper in under an hour?
Why can I write a paper in under an hour but can't write a song to save my life?
There are other questions that apply to everyone that we may never understand either.
Why are there mean people in the world?
Why is there a setting on the toaster to burn your toast?
Why do you say cheese before taking a picture?
Why do they make it impossible for students to pass school?
Why do we care so much what people think about us?
Why do we believe there are a million stars, but when there's wet paint on the wall we have to touch it?
If God can make anything happen, why can't he just hand things to us?
I can't answer any of those questions, but the last one.
"It's about making us shine brighter and improving our value, if not God's eyes,who already loves us perfectly, then perhaps in our own."
So, I guess technically everything serves a purpose. It's to make you stronger. Oh yeah you know where I'm going....
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps little lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone." -Kelly Clarkson
What a week it's been. But that's the way things go. All we can do is try our best and get through the things God throws at us. Although as annoying and stressful as they may be, we all have to do it.
Blue has turned into Blue-42. I don't get it. But I'm going to keep fighting because I will understand sooner or later. At least I know what Jell-O is.
As my biffle Elaina would say, "YOU GO GLEN COCO!" :)
Well I can honestly say this past week has been absolutely hellashis. Why do movies make it seem like it would be the worst thing ever to be trapped on a desert island? I'll take a one way ticket. Yes it has been ridiculous, but it must be normal to deal with things that serve no purpose what so ever.
I'll give you some examples.
1) Trigonometry.
Why do I need to know the height of a person compared to a building 163829 ft tall? WHO CARES! I have never been someone to walk up to a random building and think "Oh gee I wonder how much taller this skyscraper is than me? Let me take out my ruler from my butt and do some meaningless calculations, because this will really come in handy one day." YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SMALLER THAN THE GOSH DARN BUILDING. I failed my first trig test. Let's just leave it at that.
2) Body chemistry.
The definition of anatomy and physiology is the study of body parts and their relation to one another, and how they function. Last time I checked, you do not need to know that Jell-O is mixture that appears translucent or milky, in order to be an athletic trainer. Teach me where the ACL or PCL is so I know to send an athlete to the hospital when their leg is dangling from their socket! But thank you professor for defining Jell-O. I guess it's not your fault. You're older than the automobile. But I appreciate the D on the test. I can't define what membrane surrounds the parietal cavity or even what that is, but I can save your life if your heart stops and tape an ankle blindfolded. But that doesn't matter. "Trainer! Trainer! There's a bone popping out of this athletes leg! What should we do?" My response, "Step away from the athlete! I know what Jell-O is!"
3) High school drama queens.
At a very young age, I was taught to not worry about things you have no control over, because it is a waste of time. I wish others would think this way. I don't have time to hear how upset and offended you are about not being invited to a party that a good friend of MINE is throwing. I wasn't invited. Do I care? NO. Why not? Because I am too busy trying to figure out the height of that building and how to classify hormones, because someone thinks that knowing that stuff is really important. Also, if you want advice from your friend, not a random street walker, your friend, don't act like you're the only person in the world who has problems. That's a one way ticket to a slap in the hoo-ha. Stop trying to give yourself a hemorrhage by thinking of ways to change the outcome of a situation that you had no business in being associated with. Don't have a stroke, because I'm sure I'll have to learn about pudding before I learn how to treat that.
4) Clubbing.
Have we not learned I can't even say hello to a cute boy without running away? Why would I want random ones coming up to me and rubbing their dirty selves on me? I've seen Jersey Shore, don't tell me clubs are just so friends can hang out. If you want to hang out with me, let's watch the Lion King and eat cupcakes. I can give you ten names of people who would love to join me in that fun. Because I choose to take a stand on my clubbing morals, I had three friends follow in my footsteps. I wouldn't say I'm a role model, but I know my right from wrong. I love to hang out, I love to dance, I love having adventures with my friends, but not in a place filled with sloppy people, scary strangers, and surrounded by smoke. That sounds terrifying.
5) Meany-Bo-Beanies.
My sister taught me how to speak munchkin language, because mean words don't solve a problem. But we definitely had a problem this week. I've mentioned a few times how I helped out with my old football team, as an assistant athletic trainer in training. Well the annual banquet was last week, and to my surprise only a select few were invited. Now I could write an entire entry based on this topic alone, but I'm ready to put this mess behind me, so I'll just give the important details. In the two years I was in sports medicine, I served almost 2000 community service hours. The past fall, I served about 300. The only time I missed practice was because I had a 102 degree fever, and was told not to get out of bed. If you know me, you would know I would have ignored the doctor and gone to practice anyway. Why? Because for some strange reason God decided to give me the passion for athletic training. It's not for the sport, it's not for the cute athletes, and it's not to spend time with my favorite girls. It's because there are two things in this world that make me happier than ever, because I seem to be good at them. Music, and sports medicine. Sports medicine took longer to get the hang of, but it was something I wanted to be good at. The new trainer, the one I mentioned who wasn't the most pleasant person on earth, decided to not recognize any of the things I did for her this past season. And not just me, but some of the other girls too, who put a lot of time and effort into training. According to her, we were not dedicated enough to the team. But she couldn't be bothered to tell me in person, she had one of my friends text me and tell me her opinions. Was I wrong to be offended by this? No. This actually really struck a nerve. I felt completely unappreciated, unwanted, and disliked. But these feelings have been building up throughout the season, because it was like no matter what you did, her opinions about you were not going to change. She gave no reasons, she never said anything. Not even hello. Especially not thank you. Ever. Now, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I wasn't upset I couldn't go to the banquet, I was upset as of why I couldn't. I felt like she lied to me. I wasn't dedicated? I was at practice more than her. We all were. I blame her for the reason I failed my math test. But like I said, if you can't control the situation why worry about it? There will always be people like this, but good news is, you're not like them:)
During football season I did a lot of observations by the quarterback. Please ignore the fact that I just made myself sound like a total creep, but during that time I notice before every play he would yell "Blue-42!" I'm not fluent in sport terminology, so I was the typical girl who was always asking questions. I asked the quarterback, wide receivers, and coaches what "Blue-42" meant. You know what it means? Absolutely nothing. It is just another one of those things that serves no purpose what so ever. They say it just to say it. But don't yell out "Pink-63!" The whole team will get confused. Not sure why if it serves no purpose?
I'm not sure why God is telling me to stick with Blue out of all people. It would seem that Blue is serving no purpose. ("Blue-42!") But that's completely false. I don't understand why college is so difficult ("Blue-42!), but as long as it's keeping me from being poor and living with my parents for the rest of my life, I'll suck it up with a straw. I will never understand why people are the way they are ("Blue-42!), maybe it's a test. Proof of what not to do. Over all, this whole Blue thing is beyond words. I can't even begin to describe how pointless I feel it is at times. However, there's that great saying that everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for your life although you may not see it yet.
I don't understand why I do half the things I do.
Why do I like lemons so much?
Why do dance around in my undies singing in a hairbrush at 18?
Why do I suck at all things numbers and can write a paper in under an hour?
Why can I write a paper in under an hour but can't write a song to save my life?
There are other questions that apply to everyone that we may never understand either.
Why are there mean people in the world?
Why is there a setting on the toaster to burn your toast?
Why do you say cheese before taking a picture?
Why do they make it impossible for students to pass school?
Why do we care so much what people think about us?
Why do we believe there are a million stars, but when there's wet paint on the wall we have to touch it?
If God can make anything happen, why can't he just hand things to us?
I can't answer any of those questions, but the last one.
"It's about making us shine brighter and improving our value, if not God's eyes,who already loves us perfectly, then perhaps in our own."
So, I guess technically everything serves a purpose. It's to make you stronger. Oh yeah you know where I'm going....
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps little lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone." -Kelly Clarkson
What a week it's been. But that's the way things go. All we can do is try our best and get through the things God throws at us. Although as annoying and stressful as they may be, we all have to do it.
Blue has turned into Blue-42. I don't get it. But I'm going to keep fighting because I will understand sooner or later. At least I know what Jell-O is.
As my biffle Elaina would say, "YOU GO GLEN COCO!" :)
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