I've been getting a lot of questions lately about why I am the way I am. For example careful, safe, and basically afraid of guys. It would probably help if I explained the situation with Blue but I'm trying this new thing where I don't weird people out, or confuse the living daylights out of them.
I really hate that this blog has become nothing but me ranting about boys. I'm really not a boy crazy kind of girl. But for some reason, lately my friends have been curious as of why I'm 19 and single. Like there's nothing better to talk about. And honestly it's because Blue has seriously messed me up, scared me away from boys, and given me no confidence. And when I say scare me away, I mean I don't give any guy a chance because....basically because they're not Blue but I don't tell anyone that.
A few months ago I saw things really start to take off with getting a few steps closer to Blue. My prayers were seriously answered and I got my hopes up. Well pretty much nothing else has happened since then, but I haven't stopped praying for him, or lost faith in that God has everything under control. But this entire summer I've been avoiding something that I'm going to have to face sooner or later. Blue is moving. He's going away for school and I'm honestly afraid I won't see him for a long time. On July 27th it will be four years since I've met him, four years since I've started liking him, and four years of this ridiculous nonsense! But there have been no bad days. It's still a sensitive subject, but it probably always will be. So am I sad he's moving? Very. Am I worried? Not as much as I was when he was going to school here. Yay maturity! I keep saying this over and over, because I know God does have a plan. There is no time to waste on being worried over something that is out of your hands, and honestly I'm tired of it. But you already knew that.
Now last February I called it quits on my football player. You know that kid who seriously saved me from hiding in my room curled up in a ball because Blue was dating someone else for like the sixth time. I'm so sad sounding.
I called it quits because we were going in circles. When I first met this kid I told myself to not get my hopes up. Best advice I've ever given myself, as sad as that sounds too. Well it's a good thing I didn't get my hopes up. I just out grew him. I talked to him for the first time since February, and I was so happy I did. I always thought about how I would feel or what I would do if I saw this kid or talked to him again. I felt nothing. Thank God. The best why I can describe it is that when I first met this kid, I was just happy to have someone like me for a change, and someone who wasn't afraid to show it. It was all innocent, but then it got boring. I was fed up with being treated like a girlfriend, without actually being his girlfriend. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have said yes if he asked me, but I was too pathetic to turn him lose at the time because I liked having someone like me for a change. I'M SO PATHETIC. Gosh it sounds so different saying it (writing it) out loud. But I will say I don't regret taking a chance on him. He was a great guy, and I loved hanging out with him, but people change, and he honestly didn't. I grew up, or at least am trying to get a move on and act my age, and talking to him that night gave me the final realization that moving on was the right thing to do. Love that kid to death, and it's weird to think it's over, but I'm really okay with it.
It's kinda like the song Payphone by Maroon5.
"I'm at a payphone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you.
Where has the time gone, baby it's all wrong, all of those plans we made for two."
I use to love the part that went on to say, "If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it, one more stupid love song I'll be sick." I don't believe that now. I love love songs, and sulking in my own sadness and the old cat lady tendencies do nothing but make people go, "Oh my."
As of for the answer to why I am the why I am, it's because I like to be careful, and play it safe. If I like a guy enough, or feel like I'm going to regret missing an opportunity, I'll be smart and pray about it. I can't do anything without praying about it first. I guess since Blue is leaving, I'll be praying a lot more. I guess it's appropriate to say, "Lord help us." This should be fun. Oh my.
