It's been an eventful week. A good week nonetheless, but my brain won't shut off. .
I'm officially a football fan. My high school team is making a come back, finally. I understand where all the enthusiasm comes from now, and loveeeeeeeeeeee being on that field.
Last Thursday, so that was like September 15, I was working the JV football game and having a blast. But I was nervous. Blue's girlfriend was one of the cheerleaders and he apparently comes and watches her...or did this one time but everyone decided to let me know just in case it happened again. Love my friends but really? I was doing so good!
He didn't show up. And I was very happy about that.
I wasn't ready to see him. Even though I would love to have another five second "Hi, how are you? How's school? Good seeing you!" conversation with him, I want more than that. I want more conversations. An actual conversation. I miss the inside jokes, the Facebook comments where he would write funny things and I would have this stupid smile on my face for days. I miss being his friend. And I'm glad he didn't show his face at the game. I mean it's not like he missed anything, because his girly friend looked scared to death of standing in front of people, and could possibly break in half at any second because she's stick skinny. Of course I would have loved to watch that but that mean judgmental person is behind me!
I had fun at the game. I spent the night with one of my closest friends, hung out with that player I have a tiny crush on, and my best friend came and surprised me. And we won. Plus I said hi to this cute player I had a massive crush on last year. I looked like a fool but it made my night cause he smiled back with his chipped tooth and mouth full of Italian Ice. He's much cuter than he sounds.
I'm sure it sounds like I'm boy crazy, but I'm not. I get crushes all the time but I never do anything about them. And you wanna know why? You should already know because I've been repeating myself in every post so far, but if ya don't it's because of Blue.
I kept myself from being more than friends from any guy because none of them had what I wanted. I wanted Blue. Plain and simple. Now my head is spinning because I have a crush on someone else and I'm not afraid of it. Or him.
The radio is my BFF. I was running and errand a few days ago and heard a once popular song by the artist Ne-Yo. It's one of those songs where you're supposed to be sad when you hear it but it gave me closure. For real I can't stop listening to it.
"And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?"
I found myself paranoid about the game last Thursday, because I knew how I would react to seeing him. I knew I wasn't ready but I wanted to see him, and I sound like a drug addict. Lord help us. It's all in my head. The more I worry about something the bigger a deal I make it, and usually the bigger the disappointment. I had a feeling I wouldn't see him that night. Call me a pessimist but it was too easy. I've stopped getting my hopes up about anything. I'm tired of being disappointed, because I actually want to be happy. But I put myself in these moods because I miss him and that's when my brain won't shut off. That's when I start to obsess and when everything I do, hear or think about, reminds me of him. I don't want to let him go, but I have to move on for now. So that's what I'm going to do...again. I've been trying but it's harder than it sounds. Understand the lyrics? I've never even had a break up before and this is killing me. Just be glad I'm not on crazy pills.
"So fed up with thoughts of you and your memory
And how every song reminds me of what use to be"
I don't think those lines need explaining.
I really don't mean to sound so negative but this is what my mind has been consumed with for years now. Only these days my thoughts are making me turn into that sad girl who walks around feeling numb all the time. We don't want to go back there. Do not enter.
I know I said it before, but it's time I stop. The last straw. One relapse and that does it. I'm tired of being, well tired.
I'm bored.
I want some excitement gosh darn it!
Maybe this crush will go somewhere. I actually kind of want it to. But that's a work in progress. We'll see. Like I said, I can't get my hopes up, because honestly with my luck it's too good to be true. But so far so very good!
I found out I'm not the only one thinking or "fighting." My best friend has been dating the same guy since our freshman year of high school. A very good, simple relationship. It's obvious they care about each other but she's not sure he's the one. Understandable. But she's stuck because she doesn't want to make the wrong decision and risk losing him all together.
Part of me wants to slap her and scream "Are you crazy!? Do you know how lucky you are?!" But that wouldn't help anyone.
I've always been a little jealous of her relationship because it's what I wanted with Blue. I guess her boyfriend isn't her Blue? Blue is pretty much one of a kind. And stupid. I hate him. Anyway... at least I know what I want and what I have to do. She's still deciding.
I have another good friend who is basically me in another body. I thought I was the most innocent teenager on the face of the planet, until I met her. She and I have the same values and beliefs when it comes to how we live our lives. She doesn't date because she is strong enough in her faith that God already has someone for her. But that doesn't mean she's never liked anyone. She probably has the cutest high school crush ever going on right now. She and one of my guy friends REALLY like each other, and it's one of the first guys who is genuine about his feelings towards her. She told him strait up that they can't date, and the boy simply told her, "I respect you, and will always care about you because you're worth it." Adorable? She wishes she could give in, but she knows it wouldn't be right. She texted me Saturday around midnight frantic, because they held hands. I understand her freak out because the first time I held hands with the guy I like my heart was beating so fast I was worried everyone could hear it. I'm convinced that reaction is normal.
I understand why my friend his happy, but I understand more why she's frustrated. We have to move on with our lives as happy as the person makes us.
The three of us girls are young, so we pretty much have all the time in the world to worry about boys. I think I'll take a break from this nonsense. My brain needs a time out. I know, I already said I would move on and that I was "free" of all things Blue, but I had a slip. I guess I wasn't prepared to have a chance to see him so soon. He just knows how to ruin everything. I'd say I'm prepared now. I'll keep a small look out during games, and when we meet face to face I'll tell him what I've been dying to say to him," What's your name again?"
Bam.
"It's been months and for some reason I just can't get over us
And I'm stronger than this
Enough is enough
No more walking around with my head down
I'm so over being BLUE
Crying over you"
No more tears. No more anger. No more anything. I'm not done with him though. Who else would I write about? There's another JV game this week.........where are the crazy pills...........
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