The Truth

I'm sad. 


I want to cry but I can't bring myself to actually breaking down. I guess that's a good thing. Yes it's a guy. Not the one who sends me texts messages reminding me that he's in a relationship. Turd face. This time it's different, because there's something about him. Something that I wish I could explain but it's so unbelievably complicated that it makes my head want to explode. Basically, it's like when you're taking a test and there's two answers that you can choose from. You know for sure that one is wrong, and you are completely 100% positive that the other one is right. That's how I feel. 


I'm a spiritual person. I believe in God with all my heart, and I always will. I believe that he has a plan for me and my life, and that I will spend it with someone who truly loves me. No doubt about it. I just wish it would happen soon. I'm tired of feeling alone and single. It's not fun anymore. I feel like no one wants me. I must be ugly. 


So can I be honest? I like this guy. I've liked him for awhile actually. Almost three years. 


I'm scared to death of him.


He's almost perfect. Like think of the perfect guy. Now one step below... that is him. Haha I'm being so serious though. 


I saw him today. Usually I freak out when ever I see him but I thought I was doing good. And when I say freak out I mean, someone get this girl a doctor she is not going to make it. But not today. 


Today was a good day. Until he forgot me. 


Do you ever hear a song and for some reason it just makes you want to cry? Yeah I have three. They're really random too but it's all because they remind me of him. HIM. Sounds so dramatic. I like it. 


The first one is called the Truth by Kris Allen...


The day after a school dance I was getting ready for the day. I saw him at the dance with is girlfriend...wasn't expecting it. I had a date who I thought I liked but all those feelings went out the window as soon as I saw HIM. I panicked. Like ran away from my date panicked. So the next day I'm in the bathroom getting ready, putting make up on, listening to my Ipod, and this song comes on. I never really listened to it before, but the thoughts of the dance started flooding back into my brain, and I got really upset. Then I heard the chorus of the song and literally bursted into tears. 


"Tryin' to be perfect
Tryin' not to let you down
Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now
while the floors underneath our feet are crumbling
The walls we built together tumblin'
I still stand here holdin' up the roofCause it's easier than telling the truth." 


Just so you understand:
I have been trying so hard to seem like a normal, nice, innocent girl to this guy. I don't want to give him any excuse to look in the other direction or think less of me. I don't want to seem weird and risk scaring him away either. WHO WANTS TO FEEL LIKE A CREEP? But it's so hard for me to even get near him to show him that I'm here, and that I have these feelings for him. I can't be honest about them because I'm afraid of them and I'm afraid of the reaction. More like the answer. But when I saw him with his new girlfriend I felt alone. Like everything that I thought I had in the past with this person was gone. He liked me before, I liked him, but neither of us would come out and say it. We just pretended like it was nothing. But everyday I keep "holding up the roof" because I don't want to lose him. I may not have him, but its easier for me to act like this than think about moving on or even admitting the truth. So I cried. I cried over him for the first time, and it was bad. I'm surprised no one heard it. I have never felt so depressed, so unhappy, so alone. So I skip that song every time I hit shuffle. It's easier that way.


I met this guy two days before I left summer camp. We lived in the same part of town but he didn't go to my school. He was also younger than me. People kept telling me this kid was interested in me, but I didn't want to be the one to get distracted by a guy at church camp, and miss the overall point of the week. So I ignored it, until I realized that I was interested too. So we kept talking once we were back home, but then school started and we got preoccupied. He got a girlfriend, I did my homework. Yeah. One year later, I see him at a football game and it was like the ultimate reunion in my mind. He was so happy to see me, and I was SO happy to see him, we hugged and talked and even saw each other the next week. Although each meeting was like ten minutes long, they meant the world to me. Still do. 


The second song I heard on ONE TREE HILL. (Great show let me say.) It's a remake of the song called Missing You. 


I know what you're thinking, yeah yeah yeah you miss him. 


Not really what the songs about. 


The song is about someone denying the fact that they miss someone they really care about, because it's easier to ignore it and pretend like it doesn't bother you when they're not around. HOLLA. But no matter how much you pretend, you know you miss them because you care about them, and when you're reminded of them it makes you feel good but awful at the same time. So you have to go back to pretending. 


"Everytime I think of you
I always catch my breath
I'm still standing here
And your miles away
And I wonder why you left me
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time just thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild

But it's my heart that's begging down this long distance line tonight

And I ain't missin' you at all
Since you've been gone... Away
I ain't missin' you
No matter what I might say"


I miss him. 
Skip. 


So tonight, I saw him. I was more than happy to see him and he looked happy to see me. I went to go say hi, but he didn't remember my name. He apologized, but it was too late. Did he forget? That was actually my biggest fear. Not that he would move on and find someone else, but that he would forget about me completely and not even think twice about it. My first dream came true...and it had to be a nightmare. Awesome. 


The last song actually almost made me cry the first time I heard it. But it's the happiest song out of all of them. Bout time cause I needed it. It's called Never Let you Go by the one and only Justin Bieber. I love him. 


He may have forgotten me, but there's not a day that passes that I don't think about him. I pray for him every night. "Lord keep him safe, and help him make the right decisions." Every night. He's always on my mind. I can't explain it. Well I can, but the explanation was even something my best friend couldn't believe. It's nothing bad, it's actually really good. But we're getting off topic. Back to Bieber. 


So the Biebs reminded me about something very important. Faith. I know out of all people? I can't give up on him. I don't want to. His song talks about waiting. When you love someone, not saying I'm in love, but you want whats best for them. Right? Therefor you do what you have to do, which is wait, in order to get what you want. Then God throws some blessings your way, and you're able to prove to everyone that it was worth the LONG wait. Set yourself aside and let them do what they have to do until it's your turn. You can't give up, you have to remember the goods days and keep holding on. Never letting go. I love this song. The lyrics make me smile because they are so sweet. 


"There's a dream that I've been chasing
Want so badly for it to be reality
And when you hold my hand then I understand
That it's meant to be 'cause, baby, when you're with me

It's like an angel came by, oh and took me to heaven...
'Cause when I stare in your eyes it couldn't be better...

Let the music blast, we gon' do our dance
Bring the doubters on, they don't matter at all
'Cause this life's too long and this love's too strong
So baby, know for sure that I'll never let you go"

I can't let go. I don't want to. I'll wait my turn. Yeah I'm sad, and disappointed that tonight happened the way it did, but maybe that's what will ignite that old spark. It kinda gives me more motivation to hang on even tighter to this never ending wait. Patients. I hate that word. But its true. I hate to admit it, but its the truth. I miss him like crazy, but I will wait forever for him. I'll always be here, waiting on the dream to come true. You know the non nightmare one. 

"So don't fear, don't you worry 'bout a thing

I am here, right here, I'll never let you go
Don't shed a tear whenever you need me

I'll be here, I'll never let you go"- Justin Bieber 

Thanks Bieber.