"Well maybe you've been through this before
But it's my first time so please ignore
These next few lines cause they're directed at you."- Jack Johnson
This is all your fault. Rock bottom is only a few miles away. I was cleaning today, listening to music. I had to turn the music off and set my iPod down and walk away, because I was furious. I don't enjoy music anymore. Playing guitar used to be the only thing that cheered me up, because it was something I knew I could do, and do well. I play once a week now, and it's all your fault. This is all your fault. All of those days I would wake up in a bad mood because I had a dream about you, a dream about what life was like when I knew you. Now I wake up and only get out of bed because I don't want to starve. I don't know where you get off making my life so miserable. Who gave you the right to ruin absolutely everything about me? You've taken everything. My smiles, my happy memories, my courage, my patients, my happiness, and now my music. All you had to do was say goodbye, and this mess wouldn't be here. But instead you decided to linger in the back of my head with ideas that I missed out on something great. What's so great about you? So far I haven't seen anything so "great." In fact I haven't seen anything. Are you enjoying this? Well I'm done. It's over. I can't do this anymore. I'm done feeling sorry, I'm done feeling depressed. I'm done. It's all your fault. I tried. I tried everything. I was your friend. I gave you advice. You called me perfect. Don't ever say that to me again. You don't deserve it. I do. It's my turn to be happy. It's my turn to feel everything you've felt. It's your turn to feel what I've felt. Alone. Tired. Confused. Unwanted. Angry. It really does ruin everything. Everything. You're no different from everyone else. You don't want to change. You're not making any effort. You're only making things worse. So go ahead, have your fun. Make the wrong decisions. Again. Go far away and enjoy your life. I don't care. I don't care about you anymore, and it's all your fault.
This should be framed in my room for me to recite everyday.
But in all honesty, it's all a lie. Bet you saw that one coming.
I feel bad. I've been thinking a lot lately about my faith. This isn't the way things are supposed to be. I mean this is how things between Blue and I are supposed to be, but not between me and God. He's supposed to be the center of everything. He's supposed to be my everything, my obsessions, my concerns about making and impression on. Not Blue.
I heard a song the other day. I'm getting really tired of wanting to cry when I'm listening to music. This sounds so pathetic...it was a Christmas song by Justin Bieber. At first I thought of Blue, but when I listened to it again I thought of my relationship with God. I've been so busy thinking about "where is Blue?!" and " why is this taking so long!?" when I should have been trying to be a better Christian. Christmas is usually a competition with me, who gets more gifts, what big thing should I ask for this year, but I didn't ask for anything this year. In fact it was really hard for me to think of a gift when my mom asked. I hope that's a sign of maturity. I've been saying how I wish I knew what it was like to have someone who cared, someone who would never leave me, someone I never questioned if they loved me or not. I have all of that. My God loves me. He's always been here for me. I feel terrible because this should have been a bigger awakening for me, and not something I realized coming home from Walmart, but thank the Lord it happened in general. Lord God I am so sorry I am the way I am. I'm so sorry I've taken your gift of music for granted, ignoring the talents you've given me to worship you. It's all my fault. This Christmas will be different. Instead of being jealous that my siblings got more, I'l be excited we're together. Instead of being annoyed by all the toys left everywhere by my nieces, I'll be happy they got the best Christmas ever. I am not alone. I'm surrounded by God's love. Let's face it God's my boyfriend. Be jealous. But seriously, it's time to change. I have to set an example, and not make my father roll his eyes because I was drawing during church again. I could never say such harsh words like those to Blue, or anyone. I could never lie like that. That's not God's plan. And even though I'm still trying to figure out what God's plan is with me and Blue, it's what's making my relationship stronger with God, and it's only the beginning.This is going to be a merry merry merry Christmas. Bet you never thought this girl could get so spiritual? I want to feel safe again. I want to feel happy again. I miss music. I miss that feeling of wanting to learn songs, and pretending I'll be famous one day because I'm awesome. Oh my imagination. It's just another one of those things God gave me.:)
"And I'm sorry if I pushed you away.
Cause I need you here and I want you to know.
And I don't care, if I don't get anything all I need is you here right now.
And I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I know that all I want it you this Christmas."
I'm tearing up as we speak.
Bieber why do you always do this?
Every fighter needs a protector. I thank God for that. Merry Christmas:)
http://youtu.be/Vk0r_mq4O6Q
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