(This song is for all the fighters because there is hope, I promise.)
http://youtu.be/pUVxaYdgS_Q
I must be the most selfish person on the planet. My mom tells me all the time.
Is it normal to be jealous of other peoples happiness? Is it okay to be angry when everyone else gets everything YOU want?
Every single one of my friends are pairing off. One by one, there they go holding hands with a cute guy, with me standing next to them pretending that I don't care. Well, I care. At least now I do, and I have for at least a year. I wish I had a reason for the sudden change, but sadly I do not.
Now I have a friend who like all the others, is in a relationship. I should be happy, but I'm not. I keep asking myself why I'm not, and the only reason I can think of is, why her? I sound terrible. She's one of my good friends, but she's always been a little rough around the edges, and a bit of a tomboy. Believe me there is nothing wrong with that, but if someone like her can get a good guy like hers, then what's wrong with me? Is there something about me that makes me unlovable?
I really am glad that she finally found someone who makes her happy, but I've obviously reached my breaking point. So I sit here in humanities trying not to look horribly upset, because I really want to be happy for what other people have, instead of sulking in my own selfishness. I just don't understand why the more I wait for something like this to happen for me, the more obvious it appears that it's not happening. Why can't I know what it feels like to have someone care about me too?
See, selfish.
Yes, I want no one else in the entire world but Blue to be the guy for me. But we're at different ends of the earth right now. I have a football player who I would love to be more than friends with, but I'm scared that certain family members on my side won't take the news of me liking someone else, too well. It doesn't help that my mom (as much as she loves me, and wants me to be happy) says things like "Have you talked to (Blue) lately? What are you waiting for? You know if wait too long he'll find someone else."
I've been known as the person to bite your face off when I get defensive. I don't care who you are, it happens. So I'm sure you can imagine my response to my mother, when she talks about Blue. It's gotten to the point where I have to leave the room when she brings him up, because I don't feel like crying. Yes, I'm so fragile that a sentence from my mom can push me to tears. I try to hide it, that's when I get angry. We don't want to be angry anymore.
"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"
I know I'm not ugly. I know there's nothing wrong with me. But I can't help but think that it's not fair that everyone else gets to be happy, when I'm fighting for a smile everyday. I use to think of Blue when I got upset, because the thought of him made everything okay again. Now it's the opposite. I have to think of other things when I think of him. Now I found a guy who I really like, but my mom is shoving Blue down my throat. I'm about to throw up.
I want Blue really bad, but I can wait because I want the Blue God has waiting for me. I don't want to settle for a college athlete, or a rich party kid.
"I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more"
I'm more than lonely as you can see, but I have too much at risk to lower my standards for just anyone. Someone I really love told me that. I don't mind waiting. I hate it, but if it's not what I want, then I don't want it.
"I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls"
God knows when I'm sad. It's pretty obvious when I am, I'm not the best pretender. I tell myself all the time I don't care, and Blue can do whatever he wants, but saying goodbye never works. I'm back before I even left.
"Please don't try so hard to say goodbye"
So I should tell myself more often that, it's not goodbye, it's all see you soon, I promise. Optimism sounds pretty good right about now.
Sometimes I get mad at God. I keep saying, "Why me?" But I don't have it bad. I may not have it great, but I'm alive and I know I have plenty of people of who love me. In fact I have a lot of people who do. I just wish I felt like I did more often. Please forgive me, I don't want to be selfish. Deep down I'm happy for all of my friends, and I want them to have more than me because I feel no one needs to feel the way I do. Even though I'm a fighter, I hope no one else has to be.
"It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along,
My heart is full and my doors always open
You can come anytime you want"
I have to pretend a lot that I'm happy. I tell my friends I'm happy all the time. It's true half the time. But the feeling that I have to compromise to just barely make it, hurts. But I have to remember my time is coming, and it will all be worth it. After all I do not settle.
"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"- Maroon 5
So please handle with care, because this person is more than fragile, in fact this song made them cry. And they do bite so count your fingers.
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